UNREGISTERED

UNTEGISTER

I'm alive, sober and kicking!!

Sorry, I am just messed up right now!! I wish I could say that my praying, affirmations and Big Book keep all my fears at bay, but they don't, seriously!!  I am trying really hard to be positive and make the best of all my blessings, because I have a ton!!!


I have a job that at least pays me, but I need to get busy and that is a huge problem.  I have to pace myself on the criticisms I give them because they get pissed.  I just pray and affirm everyday that it is happening!!!

I have a home and I am safe and the dogs are doing great.
I am lucky and blessed, but sometimes I just hate when my fears kick in!!

I still have not found a solid foundation here and it is my fault. I am now working 6 days a week and I have no time to get to a meeting.  I just pray I can figure it all out!!

This picture is the dogs in my loft while I work on my school stuff, so cute, they are so sweet!!!

So many Feelings!!

Well, I have been having a really hard time lately.  I should be more thankful, and I am very thankful, but sadness sometimes takes over any joy/gratitude I may have. I am in my house and I am blessed for that!!  I just feel so empty.  I have this house and I keep wishing my husband was here, I know I am crazy, I just thought this would have been where we had a vacation home, not where I would be living alone.  I feel so empty, it makes me ache.  I don't know what it is, I know I should be over it by now. I moved in July, mom passed away last January, but I am not over it!!!

Christmas was so hard.  I look back at last year, I see the pictures and I see my mom & my husband.  We all actually look happy, how a year can change everything!!  I can't stop crying.  I can't even talk about my mom without crying.  I can't be at parties with friends because I feel so lonely and sad.  I miss having someone in my life, I really am not sure if I was happy or what I was.  I just feel so alone and I think I thought if I held on long enough my husband would snap out of his funk.  I was always thinking it would get better.  Now I just wish I had something to make me feel safe,  I just don't know.  I know I am all over the place with this post!!

I started up work full time, I am not busy at all and they haven't done any advertising that would bring in business.  This makes me nervous because I need to make commission and I need clients.  I need to go out and market myself, which I HATE!!!  But if I don't, I know I will not get busy.  Nobody even knows that they remodeled or what I have to offer.  I think it is also the worst time ever for a salon.  It is January and everyone already got their hair done at the holidays.  It will 5-6 weeks before I start to see people I believe.  And I am not even going to go into the whole bullshit some of the other coworkers pulled when I first started on Monday!! 

I just keep doing my affirmations and praying, I just hope if I do the work it will come back to me.  I  just know I have to stay sober, because it would really SUCK to be drunk and have to deal with all this bullshit stuff!!!  I am going to try to find an AA marathon this weekend, maybe I can meet some people that can direct me to some meetings that I will enjoy and find some new connections.  I think I really need AA in my life. I wonder sometimes if I was stupid for leaving Boston.  I had suck an amazing group of people in my life up there.  I can't regret the past, but I guess I can always wonder!!

Please everyone have a safe holiday weekend!!

I am so happy for this blog, I feel just a little bit better having just written this. 

Guest post for Emily/ FEAR!!!

http://blahblahblahism.blogspot.com/2011/12/we-all-have-it-how-do-we-deal-with-it.html


I love her sight, please follow her if you haven't!!!

HI Everyone its Doggielover aka Chris, Guest posting for Emily, Hope your all well, I need your input!!!

Fear

We all have it, we all know it, and we know in some cases it is our diseases strongest ally.

I am living in the fear right now and I hate it, I can’t stop the fear in my mind trying to take over, trying to lead me to my old friend, alcohol.  If led back down this road what will happen to me?  What will I become?   How will I make a life that I truly desire and know I am capable of having?   I need to stop, I need to remember I am in control and I need to suck it up and say I need help!!!!

I NEED HELP!

I have so much gratitude for all I have right now.  I have a place to live; I have people who love me.  I do have faith, but maybe that is where I am lacking, am I not giving it over to my HP?  I am the person who will do the legwork, but I am now living in the fear of not being able to reinvent myself in a new place again.  I need to market myself because my work isn’t marketing me like they should.  I am a new novelty to them and I know I have to take the reigns, but I also have to push hard against people that think it will just happen.  Guess what, it doesn’t!!!  I am on the computer researching, and I am picking my marketing friends brains. I will do the work, but I need to get out of this fear.  I have a big meeting on Monday and I need to come across strong, positive and worth paying for.  Maybe that is it, I am not feeling my own self worth.  I know a lot of women in my program (AA) that feel that way.

I need help; I am sitting in my fear.  What do you do when you sit in your fear and need to rise above it?  When drinking is not an option?

So I am in!!!

So I think the dogs are pretty happy, and I'll be happy if they stay on their blanket!!

 

Thinking of my mom so much today, she is the reason I have a home.  I miss you, I love you, thank you MOM!!!  I would give anything to have you here, but I can wake up everyday and think of you as I walk around the house that you helped me build!!!

Praying for a special friend today. She helped me get sober and now she is going to get herself sober!! I love you Annette!!