Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I know my mom is sick, but she is a real pain in the ass. She is nosey and a “know it all” but she really doesn’t know it all, she only cares about her option has very little interest in what the TRUTH is. She makes faces at the nurses and Dr’s who are trying to help her, it makes me insane!!!! I love my husband, but like every man he decides he knows where he is going, GUESS WHAT????? HE DOESN’T!!!!! Then I have my mother bitching, him frustrated & me ready to cry. Honestly, if there was alcohol in front of me I would have been afraid.
The Dr. is trying some new Chemo on my mom, so that is good. She is amazing!!! My mother just acts so bitchy that I feel bad for the Dr. My mother should be grateful, but she just acts like she doesn’t get enough help from these doctors, for Gods sake, they teach at HARVARD!!!!
We went to lunch after the hospital and she yelled at me for the music being to loud in the restaurant, we were at the Maccroni Grill and I had to ask the manager to please turn down the music, then when they did, she said it should have gone down just a bit more. She went to the restroom and I just started to cry!! I am just losing my mind.
I just need a break!!! I just need a meeting and I can’t do any of that until she leaves. I know I can’t control others, but I wish I could control some of my emotions right now; it’s just so hard. I keep saying the serenity prayer. I can’t even call my sponsor because every time I leave the room to call her, my mom follows me, or needs something, or whatever!!!!! I’m losing it!!
Monday, December 27, 2010
I don't think I have blogged so much in a while, but when you can't sleep at night I guess it gives you something to do!! It is 3:59 a.m. and I can't sleep!! So I'll tell you a funny story about what happened tonight. My husband and I wanted to visit my cousin, her husband, & their kids (one of them is our God-son). We love them, they are so easy going and fun to be with and she is from my Dads side of the family, so she doesn’t have to deal w/ the family drama on my mom’s side, although she understands. O.K. so here is the funny part. I have only “come out” about being in AA to my husband, a couple back home who we are close with and my Uncle from Long Island. Everyone else has no clue!! My cousin’s husband is a great guy; he is very generous and wants to make you feel welcomed and comfortable. So for the last few weeks, because he knows about all the drama going on in my family he kept calling my husband saying he can’t wait to see us, I have the Grey Goose for Chris, she can finally relax, BLAHHH,BLAAAH, BLAHHHHH Anyway, needless to say I was freaking a little and I knew I was going to have to say something. (As a side, this is also the poor guy who I hit in the balls at the Plaza Hotel bar in NY, while drunk off my ass, I don’t remember!! I’m so CLASSY!!). We got in the car to go up to their house and I told my hubby, I ‘m going to tell them. So, we’re all set!! We get to their house, after a crazy afternoon!!! Not even going to go into it, UGH!! Anyway, we walk in and the first thing he does is what do you want, what can I make you, a martini?? I grab the 2 of them and I say, I am an alcoholic and I can’t drink anymore, today I am celebrating 8 months of sobriety. I brought some cranberry diet ginger ale (yummy by the way!!). They start giggling and then I started giving the kids presents and we blow it off, they get my hubby a beer. We go into the kitchen for appetizers and again he’s like, Chris, what can I get you, I know your not drinking, so do you want some Baileys or something? SCOTT, I SWEAR, I’M AN ALKIE!!!!! I can’t drink, Honey, please tell him!! My husband starting laughing and was like she really is!!!! I’m so proud of her!! It was kind of priceless because Scott never shuts up and he shut up for like 2 seconds, then without missing a beat he said, “shit, we have a lot of people in the family who should quit drinking, but I never guessed you needed too, o.k.” (He must have forgiven me for the ball incident). After that everything was fine, but I still think he was in shock, LOL!!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I hope everyone had a great holiday with their family & friends!!
Lots of Love!!
Saturday, December 25, 2010
I hope you all have a beautiful day. I pray the urge to drink stays away and we can be fully available to those we love!!
Enjoy the magic of Christmas, and the blessings of sobriety!!
Friday, December 24, 2010
On a positive note, an uncle of mine was in from NY yesterday to see my aunt. He is the only one in my family who knows about me being a part of AA, and my sobriety. I felt so good. He told me I look really great and he could tell just by looking at me that I wasn't drinking again, what a complement!!
Happy Holiday's, be kind to yourself, think before you take a drink, call your sponsor!! That's what I have to remember!!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I got a phone call today from my aunt who is taking care of my sick aunt. My sick aunt’s kids are being really awful. My aunt asked me to come and help her deal w/ them tomorrow when I get home. I know I can’t control what they do, but I can control how I react. I am going to lay down the ground rules ahead of time. I will not allow them to be rude or nasty to my aunt or my mother, I will not allow them to hurt their mother……..that I can control!!! My aunt has a very limited time here on earth, and she is going to die in peace & with lots of love!!!! Her kids are always welcome to visit, but they can only bring in LOVE!!! The anger, self pity, selfish behavior will be left at the door!! That is what I am praying for!!!!!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
I just don't want to drink, I know I can't, I am just really overly sensitive & bitchy today, UGH!!! I hate how I am today.
I can't even stand my husband today, HE will not shut his freaking mouth!!! SHUT UP, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!
Friday, December 17, 2010
My computer is being fixed and I was going to meet with my sponsor today, but I told her I was stressed about
Making it to her on time. She was fine with me canceling. Sometimes I know I put to much pressure on myself, I know I try to please others to much, that was a huge trigger for me while I was drinking!! I need to learn to be good to myself, then I can help others without being a looney tunes!!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
I just want a B, I just want to be done!!!!
Have a great day,
Check out Emily's blog, she has some great stuff about drunk dialing and holidays, something we all know about all to well!!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
My Aunt has made it to Pa. and she is doing great. She is so happy now, and I can't wait to see her when we go home for the holidays. She is where she can be the most comfortable. I just hope her kids change their attitudes, it would make her so happy. My nasty cousin told my aunt yesterday that she is going to die alone because she chose her sisters over her children. Really, I think she chose to go to her sisters because that was the only choice that made sense to her, and worked for her with her fiances. It was a good night
I picked up a new girl a few of us are trying to help with rides. I really hate to say this, but she makes my skin crawl. She is sick, like we all are, she is raw, but she is ANNOYING as HELL!!! I know I need more patience, but she is so self centered and loud!! She is loud to be heard, not loud because she is naturally that way. When she tries to be sweet, I know that when this is happening she is faking, she talks so softly you can't hear her!!! Now, you may be thinking, I need to talk with my sponsor, well I did later that day, we had a big book study at her house, and ironically I am on my step 4 list, HAAAAA!!!
Anyway, as I pick up wild lady, and I am waiting for her, because of course she is 10 minutes late, i decided to check in with my mom. I call and she is crying and upset. My nasty cousin just called her and used the F bomb on her for 45 minutes. She and her other selfish sister are upset that their mother is going to live out the last few months of her life in Pa. Where she can be taken care of by her sisters and all the nurse aids and have everything she needs. The selfish people don't even go to see her, they misrepresent things to my aunt to manipulate her and the one cousin just lost her job. She could come and stay with her mom everyday if she wanted, my other aunt has 2 extra bedrooms and she would be welcome. Anyway, after all the phone calls we think everything is taken care of, hopefully today at 12 she will be moving from NY to Pa. Please say a prayer. What is sad is that this is what my aunt wants. In an ideal world she would be with her kids, but that is not going to happen. i just hope they see and accept that this is her life and her wishes. She does not want to die in a hospital, she wants to be in a home and around others. I do believe it will work out. My aunts home in Pa has the whole 1st. floor handicap accessible, the 1st floor bath, the door ways, everything, she will be at least able to move about.
Anyway, dealing with all that, trying to calm down my mom, get me and wild lady to the 12:00 meeting, knowing that i need to get home and then to my sponsors by 2:30. Wild lady decides to get involved in my family stuff and tell me what she thinks, I just said I have to let it go until I find out more, but then she turned it into her story, about her "crazy husband" who got her arrested while she was driving drunk with her 3 year old, by the way, she was driving drunk, not his fault, but he knew where she was and did call the cops, but he didn't go get his child from her car, he let her drive a within a block from their house and get her arrested, they are both sick people.
We leave the meetings, i had to leave a few times to answer calls form my mom and aunt. I just want to get her home and call my mom back to have a private conversation. She tells me I have to take her to get her prescriptions because she needs them and can't get there without me. Alright, of to the pharmacy, then at the pharmacy I call my husband, while she is inside. I realize that she is standing in the door on the phone, I beep and she signals 1 minute, WTF!!!! I told her I needed to get home and I have to go see my sponsor. She then says Oh, I need to go to my house (she is kicked out, and living in an apartment) FINE!!!! I take her, she does whatever at her house and then jumps in the car and tells me she took her keys for her car, that she can't drive because she knows it will piss her husband off and she doesn't want the babysitter to drive her car.... Are You F'in serious???? I tell her I need to go right now, I drop her off a 1/2 mile from her place, if I drove her all the way I have to do a big 10 minute turn around because of the stupid one sided highway. She seemed put out, OH WELL!! Then she gets out and tells me she wants me to drive her to her probation office on Monday. Sorry BITCH if you were listening to me at all you would have known I am busy all day on MONDAY!!!
Needless to say, i was a mess when I got to my sponsors, she walked me through a few things that were my fault. I don't set up enough boundries, I always try to help to a fault, I want to help, but sometimes people can be to sick to help, especially when you are new to sobriety. OH the other thig she did was asked "what's wrong with Jan (my sponsor) she never called me yesterday and I wanted her to drive me somewhere" I have to say I lost it, my sponsor had some medical issues going on with her husband and who is this bitch to "call her Out" on not calling her. I DID call her out on that!!!!!
Anyway, thats what we can help with. I can't solve her obsession with her husband. She never talks about alcohol, just him, and how she is not treated fairly, BLAHHHHHHH!!
My sponsor even told me she was distancing from her, my sponsor has 22 years. She told her when she wants help with her alcohol problem, give her a call!!
Believe it or not, my sponsor helped me through my cousins, & wild lady yesterday. I love her and I am thankful I didn't have to drink over anything. I was thinking, last year at this time I would have bought a bottle of vodka to help me "think" it through. Ya, that would have gotten me nowhere fast. Today and yesterday I was available to talk things through with my mother, help her to calm down and support her. Being sober helped me do this. Finding my own higher power, finding a wonderful sponsor at AA, all these things helped me to stay in the moment and be sober. I am thankful for that!!
Wow!! I really threw up a lot of crap while writing, these blogs help too. I can always come back and see how I've grown and how I have coped with things. My blog shows me that AA, and sobriety works!!!
Friday, December 10, 2010
My hubby had to get some stitches last night, no biggies, on his left pointer finger, but he couldn't some of his work stuff on this morning, he was so frustrated be he had to be somewhere at 7, and it was 6:15. He woke me up to help, like I told him to last night!!! He was wild because he was late, I helped him, calmly, and you know what, it all worked out. When he left he sighed, from relief. I think we were thinking the same thing!! If I was still drinking I would have been to hungover, grumpy, testy, frustrated, a big friggin mess!! I wasn't and it kept everything peaceful and he was fine. I know it was really frustrating for him to ask me to help him get his uniform on, but I was able to and I am so happy for that!! It is a small thing, but I write this with a tear in my eyes because I think I helped to make his day just a little bit easier, because I was sober, understanding and in the moment. I am thankful I was able to help him. He is working extra to support us more because I am going to school and not really working as much anymore.
Sobriety Rules!! On bad days it's hard, but it so worth it!! Our life is here for us to learn, love and share. I am learning, loving and sharing so much more because I am sober.
Tomorrow may be a different story, LOL!!!!!
Monday, December 6, 2010
God I'm glad your with me today, you must be a comedian!!!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
She has walked me through what I need to know to be able to do this step without fear, How & why??? Because it will free me from anything I have within me that needs to come out. It will help me to conquer my fears, insecurities, you name it, whatever granted me the permission to drink!!!
I find I can just file things away. When I bring them to the surface I feel them, then I learn what I need from them, then I will let it go!!! This is how I will be healthy in my recovery, this is how I am going to work the steps and someday help another to take a fearless walk through their life & their steps! It may not be pretty, but I lived through it and I am here, so it is HISTORY, but not my present or my future!! Well, that is how I am feeling now, I haven't curled up to my notebook yet, LOL!!!!