New Years Eve.

   I made it through my mother & my family. The Dr. is putting my mom on a new Chemo that they use for lung cancer but has shown a lot of promise for ovarian. I had to bring her ½ way back to Pa because my brother is a lazy shit and didn’t feel like coming all the way up here, he also hadn’t seen my mom since Christmas eve, and he really didn’t care, that is a whole other can of worms!!!! My brothers do things when it is convenient for them, bottom line!!!

   When I got back yesterday from dropping her off I couldn’t even call my sponsor, I just needed to cry and sleep!!! I feel bad, but I didn’t want to do anything, I just wanted so quiet time. I know my husband understands, but I think he thinks I don’t mean him!!! I DO!!!! I just wanted him to leave and go somewhere so I could relax. Oh, well, at least I was able to nap.  I went to an 8:30 meeting and it was heaven, I hadn't been to a meeting since last week.

   Tonight we are just relaxing and I am thrilled. I have been thinking of a lot of different things that have changed since I started on my road to sobriety. One thing in particular is how bloated & swollen I was. I am not a thin person, but BOY WAS I BLOATED!!! The sad thing is, I think at the time I thought I looked good.

This photo was April 9, 2010, my sobriety date is April 26th.

WOW!!!  I was a bloated mess!!

This photo was from Christmas Eve.

I am losing my mind!!

I am having a really hard time keeping it together. I feel really terrible & ashamed of myself, but I wish I could just be alone for 1 day. Left completely alone, no phone, no talking, no waiting on others constantly, no taking care of everyone else before myself.(I do want the internet though, I still want to read my blogs, that is something for me!!!!)
I know my mom is sick, but she is a real pain in the ass. She is nosey and a “know it all” but she really doesn’t know it all, she only cares about her option has very little interest in what the TRUTH is. She makes faces at the nurses and Dr’s who are trying to help her, it makes me insane!!!! I love my husband, but like every man he decides he knows where he is going, GUESS WHAT????? HE DOESN’T!!!!! Then I have my mother bitching, him frustrated & me ready to cry. Honestly, if there was alcohol in front of me I would have been afraid.
The Dr. is trying some new Chemo on my mom, so that is good. She is amazing!!! My mother just acts so bitchy that I feel bad for the Dr. My mother should be grateful, but she just acts like she doesn’t get enough help from these doctors, for Gods sake, they teach at HARVARD!!!!
We went to lunch after the hospital and she yelled at me for the music being to loud in the restaurant, we were at the Maccroni Grill and I had to ask the manager to please turn down the music, then when they did, she said it should have gone down just a bit more. She went to the restroom and I just started to cry!! I am just losing my mind.
I just need a break!!! I just need a meeting and I can’t do any of that until she leaves. I know I can’t control others, but I wish I could control some of my emotions right now; it’s just so hard. I keep saying the serenity prayer. I can’t even call my sponsor because every time I leave the room to call her, my mom follows me, or needs something, or whatever!!!!! I’m losing it!!

No really, I am an alcoholic!!!! I swear!!!

As a follow up to my last post, praying does work!! I asked God for some help and he did grant me some patience!!!

I don't think I have blogged so much in a while, but when you can't sleep at night I guess it gives you something to do!! It is 3:59 a.m. and I can't sleep!! So I'll tell you a funny story about what happened tonight. My husband and I wanted to visit my cousin, her husband, & their kids (one of them is our God-son). We love them, they are so easy going and fun to be with and she is from my Dads side of the family, so she doesn’t have to deal w/ the family drama on my mom’s side, although she understands. O.K. so here is the funny part. I have only “come out” about being in AA to my husband, a couple back home who we are close with and my Uncle from Long Island. Everyone else has no clue!! My cousin’s husband is a great guy; he is very generous and wants to make you feel welcomed and comfortable. So for the last few weeks, because he knows about all the drama going on in my family he kept calling my husband saying he can’t wait to see us, I have the Grey Goose for Chris, she can finally relax, BLAHHH,BLAAAH, BLAHHHHH Anyway, needless to say I was freaking a little and I knew I was going to have to say something. (As a side, this is also the poor guy who I hit in the balls at the Plaza Hotel bar in NY, while drunk off my ass, I don’t remember!! I’m so CLASSY!!). We got in the car to go up to their house and I told my hubby, I ‘m going to tell them. So, we’re all set!! We get to their house, after a crazy afternoon!!! Not even going to go into it, UGH!! Anyway, we walk in and the first thing he does is what do you want, what can I make you, a martini?? I grab the 2 of them and I say, I am an alcoholic and I can’t drink anymore, today I am celebrating 8 months of sobriety. I brought some cranberry diet ginger ale (yummy by the way!!). They start giggling and then I started giving the kids presents and we blow it off, they get my hubby a beer. We go into the kitchen for appetizers and again he’s like, Chris, what can I get you, I know your not drinking, so do you want some Baileys or something? SCOTT, I SWEAR, I’M AN ALKIE!!!!! I can’t drink, Honey, please tell him!! My husband starting laughing and was like she really is!!!! I’m so proud of her!! It was kind of priceless because Scott never shuts up and he shut up for like 2 seconds, then without missing a beat he said, “shit, we have a lot of people in the family who should quit drinking, but I never guessed you needed too, o.k.” (He must have forgiven me for the ball incident). After that everything was fine, but I still think he was in shock, LOL!!

Please give me patience God! Please!!

8 Months Today!!

I am celebrating my 8 months today and it feels really wonderful!! Sobriety isn't easy, but it is such a gift!! It's a gift to myself, and especially my family!!! I can't believe how on past holidays I was totally in a coma, drunk of my ass and not able to be fully present!! I have to say, I wish I could drift into a coma once in while, but I know I can't, alcohol can't be a part of my coping skills, I need to learn a whole new set.

I hope everyone had a great holiday with their family & friends!!
Lots of Love!!

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas, I made it through Christmas Eve and it was great. I was sober and present in the moment. My nephews were so excited and I enjoyed every moment with them!! If I was drinking, I know for a fact I would be to worried about my vodka getting knocked over than playing and enjoying them!! My mother loved waiting them, it was great. The only problem is I have not been able to sleep, honestly I have been up at about 4:30 every morning for the last few day, weird!! But I am getting some needed peace, alone time, so that's good. Maybe that is what my body needs!!

I hope you all have a beautiful day. I pray the urge to drink stays away and we can be fully available to those we love!!

Enjoy the magic of Christmas, and the blessings of sobriety!!

Christmas Eve!!

Well, we got home to Pa. yesterday. The ride was fine. My mother really looks tired, she couldn't do her Chemo this week because she hasn't been feeling well, you can tell. She is actually going to come home to Boston with us next week because she has an appointment with her specialist. My Aunt looks peaceful, but she is trying to find some peace for what is left of her life. It is sad, but I am also happy that she is where she wants to be. One of her daughters is in to visit for a few days, honestly I think she is in to "check on" my aunt's money. Her daughters don't want my other aunt to spend to much of it, you know, what do we need so many nurse aids? F you _itch!!! Your mother is more important than money, and when she is gone, she will not need it!! Oh, that's right, you and your sister want it!! Forgot!! UGH!! Anyway, things are what they are!!

On a positive note, an uncle of mine was in from NY yesterday to see my aunt. He is the only one in my family who knows about me being a part of AA, and my sobriety. I felt so good. He told me I look really great and he could tell just by looking at me that I wasn't drinking again, what a complement!!

Happy Holiday's, be kind to yourself, think before you take a drink, call your sponsor!! That's what I have to remember!!

The strong person inside me is needed for the holiday’s!!

Alright, here we go. I am much stronger then the other day. I think it had a lot to do with praying to God for help & talking with my sponsor & having all the support from my AA & online friends. I am leaving to go to Pa. tomorrow and I have to keep my sobriety 1st!!! I can only help my family if I can keep my head on straight!!!!!!

I got a phone call today from my aunt who is taking care of my sick aunt. My sick aunt’s kids are being really awful. My aunt asked me to come and help her deal w/ them tomorrow when I get home. I know I can’t control what they do, but I can control how I react. I am going to lay down the ground rules ahead of time. I will not allow them to be rude or nasty to my aunt or my mother, I will not allow them to hurt their mother……..that I can control!!! My aunt has a very limited time here on earth, and she is going to die in peace & with lots of love!!!! Her kids are always welcome to visit, but they can only bring in LOVE!!! The anger, self pity, selfish behavior will be left at the door!! That is what I am praying for!!!!!

What helped me to see that alcohol was ruining & ruling my life!!

What helped me to Really See that alcohol was ruling & ruining my life?  So many of my drunken actions brought me to my bottom and through the doors of AA, but the most significant thing for me was the last night that I drank (hopefully forever).

  April 25^th 2010 was a Sunday & I was a disgusting drunk that day.  I did so many things that I would love to be able to deny I did, but I did them & by doing them I feel that is what lead me to really see that I was at my bottom.  (Driving drunk, lying, manipulating, using money we really didn’t have for my alcohol, not having a shred of personal hygiene, blaming others for my own doing,  The list can go on!!!)

The 25^th was like any other day after I drank too much the night before.   My husband had contempt in his eyes when he looked at me, I smelled like sweat & vodka (they say vodka doesn’t have a smell, but it does smell when it comes out your pours!) and my house was in disarray and I really didn’t give a crap.  My husband jumped in the shower and I looked for my bottle from the night before, to see what was left, NOTHING!!!  UGH, I had to go get more quickly, so he wouldn’t know, thank God he takes LONG showers.  I threw on clothes that now I would not be caught cleaning my bathroom in, and ran to the liquor store.  Did you notice that I didn’t brush my teeth or fix my hair??????  Oh, also I took a swig of some gin and some crown royal that I hated, but we never used so I thought my husband wouldn’t notice.  I just need to get that feeling going because my hangover was bad!!  Fast forward to about 8 on that night.  The liquor stores are closed and my bottle is empty, and I needed more.  I started to pick a fight with my husband (because he saw my empty vodka bottle & was discussed by me) so I could leave the house and go get some more vodka, I would have to go to a bar or restaurant.  I left the house screaming.  Good, this would give me a couple of hours.  I was still in my gross, nasty, smelly outfit from the morning, I did put my hair in a ponytail, but that is what I looked like.  I went searching for somewhere to go.  Most places by us, that didn’t know who I was were closed.  I had to go further away,  Thank GOD for GPS.  I did a search and ended up in a town that has a lot of gang violence, shootings, and robberies.  WOW, what a great find, a bar that was open!  I walked in, or maybe I stumbled, because I already drank a bottle of vodka, sat down and ordered a drink, vodka on the rocks.  I think that is what I said, it may have come out completely slurred and ridiculous sounding, I was drunk out of my skull!!!  I went to pay for it and all I had was a bankcard.  He would not run a tab for me so I had to pay for that drink.  I sat there and drank, I looked up in front of me and there was a huge mirror, the full length of the wall with all the alcohol in front of it on shelves.  The only open spot to see my reflection was directly in front of me.  As started to stare at myself, ( I was most likely passing out) the bartender looks at me and says, what are you doing here?  You don’t belong here.  Are you o.k.?  I was so pissed, how dare he say such a thing to me, I belong in this dive as much as the next drunk!!!!!!  I said I was fine, but then I looked up at my reflection.   Who was I looking at, was this me, what have I become??  My life is falling apart and I am in a bar in a warzone!!  Is this what my life is going to be, hiding in a bottle in a dive bar?  What happened to the person who was voted best smile in school?  That smile couldn’t still be in me, could it?  Was it buried away, under all the self-hatred and alcoholic thinking? I knew, while looking into that dusty, filthy cracked mirror that I needed to change.  It wasn’t my husbands’ fault, my mothers, my friends, or any other person in the world.  It was the person in that mirror that had to change or that person in the mirror will die from alcohol!!  I did not want to die from alcohol!!   This was my first step into knowing I needed help.  The next day I attended my 1^st real AA meeting and  I know for a fact that I found what I needed.  The funny thing is I prayed before I walked into that meeting, please God just help me to get it, help me with my problems.  I knew nothing about AA, but I feel that by just saying a prayer, I was able to walk into that AA meeting and have a completely open mind, and new understanding of myself.   This may not sound like a bottom to some of you, but this was my bottom.  I know things could have been worse, a lot worse, I have lots of “yets”.  If I pick up another drink, those  “yets” will become my new reality.

Having a hard time of it.

I am having a hard time.....I  have been taking on so much and asking people to help me, but I never feel I can let go of things completely.  I know that is MY PROBLEM, but I just think that when I ask for help others will respond like I would, but that is also my perception of expectations, also my problem!!!  I think I am really overwhelmed and I would love to just be left alone for 24 hours.  I just want to escape, but I know I can't.  Alcohol used to be my escape, but I can't use that anymore.  I have to learn how to cope better, but I also have to learn to let some of the pressures off of me.  I feel the need to do take on to much and now I am stuck in a dark corner, I just want to throw a blanket over my head.  I am being very resentful these last few days and i heard something great today at a meeting this morning.  Pray for them, and pray for you to change, I think it was like that anyway, basically it meant to me that I need to change and I can only wish for the best for who ever I have a resentment towards.
  I just don't want to drink, I know I can't, I am just really overly sensitive & bitchy today, UGH!!!  I hate how I am today.

 I can't even stand my husband today, HE will not shut his freaking mouth!!!  SHUT UP, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!

Done with Biology, for now!!

Well, it's over & I think I did well!! U found out I have to take the 2nd biology in the spring, ugh!! I changed to liberal arts, so I have to do math, double ugh!!! Anyway, I can do it!! I am at PF Changs, w/ a cranberry & gingerale. I had to sit at the bar, but I'm feeling ok. I love the lettuce wraps here, so as king as I eat and focus on getting out of here everyone drinking around me will fad away!! I am learning a lot of patience while being sober, something I have very little of!!! I have some people who expect me to drop things for them just because it's what they want. Well today I let their request sit for a while and then because I didn't jump on it right away they came back with better options for me. Instead of me being agree & resentful I let it go for an hour and it actually us going to benefit me now. God thank you for just that little bit of patience today!!

My computer is being fixed and I was going to meet with my sponsor today, but I told her I was stressed about
Making it to her on time. She was fine with me canceling. Sometimes I know I put to much pressure on myself, I know I try to please others to much, that was a huge trigger for me while I was drinking!! I need to learn to be good to myself, then I can help others without being a looney tunes!!

BIOLOGY, you blow chuncks!!

I have a huge Biology test tomorrow and I can not WAIT to be done!!!

I just want a B, I just want to be done!!!!


Have a great day,

Check out Emily's blog, she has some great stuff about drunk dialing and holidays, something we all know about all to well!!

The "precious" cargo has arrived in Pa.!!!!

Thank you God!!!  When you pray for others without selfish intent he always listens!!

My Aunt has made it to Pa. and she is doing great.  She is so happy now, and I can't wait to see her when we go home for the holidays.  She is where she can be the most comfortable.  I just hope her kids change  their attitudes, it would make her so happy.  My nasty cousin told my aunt yesterday that she is going to die alone because she chose her sisters over her children.  Really, I think she chose to go to her sisters because that was the only choice that made sense to her, and worked for her with her fiances.  It was a good night

Peace Out!!

Thank God for good mornings, because they can turn on you in a second!!

I was so happy and grateful and BLAHHHHHHH yesterday.  I made myself sick.  Well fear not, the shit hit the fan at about 11:30!!

I picked up a new girl a few of us are trying to help with rides.  I really hate to  say this, but she makes my skin crawl.  She is sick, like we all are, she is raw, but she is ANNOYING as HELL!!!  I know I need more patience, but she is so self centered and loud!!  She is loud to be heard, not loud because she is naturally that way.  When she tries to be sweet, I know that when this is happening she is faking, she talks so softly you can't hear her!!!    Now, you may be thinking, I need to talk with my sponsor, well I did later that day, we had a big book study at her house, and ironically I am on my step 4 list, HAAAAA!!!

Anyway, as I pick up wild lady, and I am waiting for her, because of course she is 10 minutes late, i decided to check in with my mom.  I call and she is crying and upset.  My nasty cousin just called her and used the F bomb on her for 45 minutes.  She and her other selfish sister are upset that their mother is going to live out the last few months of her life in Pa.  Where she can be taken care of by her sisters and all the nurse aids and have everything she needs.  The selfish people don't even go to see her, they misrepresent things to my aunt to manipulate her and the one cousin just lost her job.  She could come and stay with her mom everyday if she wanted, my other aunt has 2 extra bedrooms and she would be welcome.  Anyway, after all the phone calls we think everything is taken care of, hopefully today at 12 she will be moving from NY to Pa.  Please say a prayer.  What is sad is that this is what my aunt wants.  In an ideal world she would be with her kids, but that is not going to happen.  i just hope they see and accept that this is her life and her wishes.  She does not want to die in a hospital, she wants to be in a home and around others.  I do believe it will work out.  My aunts home in Pa has the whole 1st. floor handicap accessible, the 1st floor bath, the door ways, everything, she will be at least able to move about.

Anyway, dealing with all that, trying to calm down my mom, get me and wild lady to the 12:00 meeting, knowing that i need to get home and then to my sponsors by 2:30.  Wild lady decides to get involved in my family stuff and tell me what she thinks, I just said I have to let it go until I find out more, but then she turned it into her story, about her "crazy husband" who got her arrested while she was driving drunk with her 3 year old, by the way, she was driving drunk, not his fault, but he knew where she was and did call the cops, but he didn't go get his child from her car, he let her drive a within a block from their house and get her arrested, they are both sick people.


We leave the meetings, i had to leave a few times to answer calls form my mom and aunt.  I just want to get her home and call my mom back to have a private conversation.  She tells me I have to take her to get her prescriptions because she needs them and can't get there without me.  Alright, of to the pharmacy, then at the pharmacy I call my husband, while she is inside.  I realize that she is standing in the door on the phone, I beep and she signals 1 minute, WTF!!!!  I told her I needed to get home and I have to go see my sponsor. She then says Oh, I need to go to my house (she is kicked out, and living in an apartment) FINE!!!!  I take her, she does whatever at her house and then jumps in the car and tells me she took her keys for her car, that she can't drive because she knows it will piss her husband off and she doesn't want the babysitter to drive her car....  Are You F'in serious????  I tell her I need to go right now, I drop her off a 1/2 mile from her place, if I drove her all the way I have to do a big 10 minute turn around because of the stupid one sided highway.  She seemed put out, OH WELL!!  Then she gets out and tells me she wants me to drive her to her probation office on Monday.  Sorry BITCH if you were listening to me at all you would have known I am busy all day on MONDAY!!!

Needless to say, i was a mess when I got to my sponsors, she walked me through a few things that were my fault.  I don't set up enough boundries, I always try to help to a fault, I want to help, but sometimes people can be to sick to help, especially when you are new to sobriety.  OH the other thig she did was asked "what's wrong with Jan (my sponsor) she never called me yesterday and I wanted her to drive me somewhere" I have to say I lost it, my sponsor had some medical issues going on with her husband and who is this bitch to "call her Out" on not calling her.  I DID call her out on that!!!!!

Anyway, thats what we can help with.  I can't solve her obsession with her husband.  She never talks about alcohol, just him, and how she is not treated fairly, BLAHHHHHHH!!

My sponsor even told me she was distancing from her, my sponsor has 22 years. She told her when she wants help with her alcohol problem, give her a call!!

Believe it or not, my sponsor helped me through my cousins, & wild lady yesterday.  I love her and I am thankful I didn't have to drink over anything.  I was thinking, last year at this time I would have bought a bottle of vodka to help me "think" it through.  Ya, that would have gotten me nowhere fast.  Today and yesterday I was available to talk things through with my mother, help her to calm down and support her.  Being sober helped me do this.  Finding my own higher power, finding a wonderful sponsor at  AA, all these things helped me to stay in the moment and be sober.  I am thankful for that!!

Wow!!  I really threw up a lot of crap while writing, these blogs help too.  I can always come back and see how I've grown and how I have coped with things.  My blog shows me that AA, and sobriety works!!!

The little things sobriety has brought me.

I know people will want to smack me in the head, but I feel so much graditude, happiness, peacefulness from being sober today.  Sometimes I feel like pure shit, but it passes, what I know is I am sober and I am able to help the people I love around because of that.  My mother is still doing her Chemo, which she will have to be on fro the rest of her life for matainance, but you know what, she is alive, and yes she is tired and grumpy, but I can talk to her and I can feel her smiling through the phone.  I actually help her to see the bright sides of things.  Her sister, my aunt, really doesn't have much time left, cancer has taken over and because of a surgery she is paralyzed on her left side.  They are trying to move her up to my other aunts house from NY to Pa,  so she can be at home and have nurses come in.  she hates!!!  Her care home she is in, and if this is what she wants, we will make it happen.  One of her daughters SUCKS!!  I may have to step in, but I will wait calmly until I am really needed, so not to stir the pot.  For now I am a sounding board for my mother and my other aunt, trying to keep them focused and in the moment.  I can't believe I am the voice of reason, but I am, because I am sober.

My hubby had to get some stitches last  night, no biggies, on his left pointer finger, but he couldn't some of his work stuff on this morning, he was so frustrated be he had to be somewhere at 7, and it was 6:15.  He woke me up to help, like I told him to last night!!! He was wild because he was late, I helped him, calmly, and you know what, it all worked out.  When he left he sighed, from relief.  I think we were thinking the same thing!!  If I was still drinking I would have been to hungover, grumpy, testy, frustrated, a big friggin mess!!  I wasn't and it kept everything peaceful and he was fine.  I know it was really frustrating for him to ask me to help him get his uniform on, but I was able to and I am so happy for that!!  It is a small thing, but I write this with a tear in my eyes because I think I helped to make his day just a little bit easier, because I was sober, understanding and in the moment.  I am thankful I was able to help him.  He is working extra to support us more because I am going to school and not really working as much anymore. 

Sobriety Rules!!  On bad days it's hard, but it so worth it!!  Our life is here for us to learn, love and share.  I am learning, loving and sharing so much more because I am sober.

This is how I feel today, like a double rainbow at the Falls!!


Tomorrow may be a different story, LOL!!!!!

Christmas Puppies

Absolut Relaxer....really!!

I'm having a crazy day, not life shattering, just busy & hectic. I'm worrying about finances, who isn't!! I am starving and I stopped in a Resturant at the mall, because I was at the apple store getting help on my work project & I had to be firm with the waitress about where I was going to sit. They had plenty of seating in the small Dining area and she keep saying I need to go into the bar area. Finally I said I will sit here and I grabbed a booth where I felt safe. Then she gave me my menu, but forgot to give me the food menu, she gave me the drink menu. First thing I see is absolut relaxer, ugh!!!

God I'm glad your with me today, you must be a comedian!!!

Starting my 4th Step!!!!

   I am very excited, YES I AM!!  the 4th step is not something to fear......at least that is what my sponsor says, LOL!!!  She swore she would never lie to me, and she promised I will not die from this!!!

   She has walked me through what I need to know to be able to do this step without fear, How & why???  Because it will free me from anything I have within me that needs to come out.  It will help me to conquer my fears, insecurities, you name it, whatever granted me the permission to drink!!!

    I find I can just file things away.  When I bring them to the surface I feel them, then I learn what I need from them, then I will let it go!!!  This is how I will be healthy in my recovery, this is how I am going to work the steps and someday help another to take a fearless walk through their life & their steps!  It may not be pretty, but I lived through it and I am here, so it is HISTORY, but not my present or my future!!  Well, that is how I am feeling now, I haven't curled up to my notebook yet, LOL!!!!