I went home this weekend to take care of some things. I checked on my parents stone at the cemetery and went by my mothers house. It was really a hard weekend. I felt how alone I really am. Now, I do have my friends and some family members, but I am without both my parents now and I really have no support from my husband. I am 37 and at this point you have made your life, your family, your friends. I thought that I have made a life with my husband, but now I am not so sure. He is so deep in his depression that I just feel like I am living with a miserable teenager. I feed him, clean the house, pay the bills, I'm like his mother. I have no emotional connection right now to him, he offers no physical comfort when I need it. He basically sucks the life out of the area he is in. I do really feel for him though, he is in such a dark place, but I can't help but feel that I am now getting resentful of the past 5 years. I am reflecting on all I have missed out on. All that he never felt like doing or participating in. All the dreams and goals we had that he would always put off. All the effort I would make to try to make him happy. The funny thing is I am an alcoholic, I drank to drown my feelings, but sometimes I know I drank to get away from him. To escape the disappointment of my life, what I had hoped for the marriage. I see with SOBER eyes that I was and am always the one who gives, forgives, or changes to suit the other and I know now that when he gets to a healthy place we need to reevaluate the marriage and how it has and has not been working.
The one thing I know is that I have to remember that I am a part of this marriage and therefore I am a part of the problem. I have to own my part in this, but remember that this is not how I want the next part of my life to be like. I am 37, my dad died at 40, my mom 61. I don't want to have regrets. I also don't want to be married to someone who wants to blame all his problems on me. I know whatever will be will be, but change will be part of the equation for me, that is for sure.
Sobriety is giving me the courage to know and accept that I deserve to be happy and I know he does to. I want that for both of us, but I wonder if he does.