I went home this weekend to take care of some things. I checked on my parents stone at the cemetery and went by my mothers house. It was really a hard weekend. I felt how alone I really am. Now, I do have my friends and some family members, but I am without both my parents now and I really have no support from my husband. I am 37 and at this point you have made your life, your family, your friends. I thought that I have made a life with my husband, but now I am not so sure. He is so deep in his depression that I just feel like I am living with a miserable teenager. I feed him, clean the house, pay the bills, I'm like his mother. I have no emotional connection right now to him, he offers no physical comfort when I need it. He basically sucks the life out of the area he is in. I do really feel for him though, he is in such a dark place, but I can't help but feel that I am now getting resentful of the past 5 years. I am reflecting on all I have missed out on. All that he never felt like doing or participating in. All the dreams and goals we had that he would always put off. All the effort I would make to try to make him happy. The funny thing is I am an alcoholic, I drank to drown my feelings, but sometimes I know I drank to get away from him. To escape the disappointment of my life, what I had hoped for the marriage. I see with SOBER eyes that I was and am always the one who gives, forgives, or changes to suit the other and I know now that when he gets to a healthy place we need to reevaluate the marriage and how it has and has not been working.
The one thing I know is that I have to remember that I am a part of this marriage and therefore I am a part of the problem. I have to own my part in this, but remember that this is not how I want the next part of my life to be like. I am 37, my dad died at 40, my mom 61. I don't want to have regrets. I also don't want to be married to someone who wants to blame all his problems on me. I know whatever will be will be, but change will be part of the equation for me, that is for sure.
Sobriety is giving me the courage to know and accept that I deserve to be happy and I know he does to. I want that for both of us, but I wonder if he does.
DoggieLover, I'm going to put in my two cents here. Take what you like and leave the rest. FIrst...Statistics prove that when one member of a marriage sobers up, the likelyhood of divorce is greater.
ReplyDeleteTwo...Please examine your emotions and motives here...As someone who is a recovering alcoholic and suffers from severe depression, it is up to me and me only to give myself the kick in the ass to get better. Whether it be by proper meds, proper therapy or whatever it takes, I cannot and will not take my disease out on someone else. Nor should anyone else act like a doormat aound me. I think you are in the proces of making a decision...surround yourself with friends and keep opening up. You will feel inside when you reach the right decision for you. My prayers are with you in this difficult time.
Cinoda, thank you for your thoughts, you are right, I am in the discovery stage I guess now. I know I can't make anyone be something they are not, I guess I am just hoping he snaps out of it and sees how things could be if he takes the right steps. I know I have to remember not to forget what I need.
ReplyDeleteThanks again!!
I can really relate to your post. It's funny that so many areas of our lives become real to us as we recover. I wish you the best of luck with the next phases of your journey. It's so difficult. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteBoy do I hear ya.. on many levels. Have you guys tried marriage counseling? I hope we can get into counseling soon. Hang in there and keep writing what your feeling... I find for me it always helps to get my thoughts out....
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this very personal side of yourself with me. It's so humbling that you are able to see your part in this, it's so much easier to place blame entirely elsewhere. You're making progress indeed.
ReplyDeleteI"ll be praying for you both.
I would suggest doing a 4th on this one, having a frank convo with him and counselling.
I am so proud of you. Looking at things through sober eyes can be hard, but the fact you are facing it sober and with grace is amazing! Suffering from depression myself I can tell you this...you are doing the right thing. Keep yourself healthy and strong, do the things you know you need to do for your sobriety and the rest will fall into place. And again I am very, very proud of you! XO, Em
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone!! It really helps when you have support, lots of love to you all!!
ReplyDeleteI just want to wrap my arms around you and give you a big ol hug girl! I am so incredibly proud and impressed with your actions, thoughts and sobriety. Words can not express.....hang in there sweetie - always sayin a prayer for ya!
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