I haven't been blogging for a long time, life has been to upsetting to even think about putting words to my feelings. My husband has decided that because he is depressed it is MY fault, he wants a divorce and wants me out of his life so he can be alone. It has been an up and down roller coaster. He moved into the downstairs, sleeps and eats(sometimes) down there. Only comes up to grab his food or to tell me something, when I go to reply he is not interested, he is finished. He also says that I'm the alcoholic and it is my fault, funny, last March when I caught him trying to get with somebody from his high school days, he wanted to work it out. I should have left then. I think he didn't want anyone to know that he wasn't as moral as he claimed to be. He is the person who always judges others, so funny how they never judge themselves quite the same way, they always have an excuse. Now he is telling everyone that I am an alcoholic and he can't take me. Funny thing is he left out everything about his poor behavior & his severe depression that I have been dealing with from day 1 of the marriage. Each day is a different mood. Wed. night he was so horrible to me that I didn't know what to do, I wanted to get sick.
Thursday I had to go back to Pa to do somethings. I found a small house I could rent for a while that would allow me to have the dogs. I had wanted to last at least until December to try to finish up some more classes, but I can't do it anymore. I am moving July1. I am so scared and overwhelmed, but I am tired of the craziness. I can't take the nice husband/ then the nasty one. I told him I'm leaving and now he doesn't think I need to, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! I can't take it. I don't know what is going to happen, he still has not seen his new therapist, I know I need to go. I told him we can see the lawyer next week and bang out the divorce. He wants freedom, he's getting it, and I am heart broken, but it is so messed up.
I do have to say some beautiful things about my HP though, Thursday night I was at the end of my rope. I arrived from my5 hour ride tired and worn out. I cried the whole 5 hours. I stayed at a place my friend owns. The door was left open for me and I had thoughts of drinking, you name it, I thought it. I just want peace~~ I walked into my room and thought about the 4th step I am working on. My biggest fear is loneliness, I thought, how much more lonely could I be. i just layed down in the bed and cried. I begged God to help me, I am feeling so weak, I can't do this anymore, I need peace. I fell asleep and sleep for the 1st since May. I woke up and I felt some strength. I got ready and the whole day was a blessing, so many things. I was able to get this home to rent which would be 5 minutes from where I want to live. I might have found a permanent place to live, but I can stay in the rental for as long as I need, so if this place doesn't work out I can wait until July to figure that all out. I found another school that just opened about 5 minutes from both places, which is amazing that I can finish my associates so close, I thought I would have to drive 45 minutes both ways, and it will save so much on gas. I walked into the house to meet the women I will be renting from and the 1st thing I see is a Celtic cross with an Irish saying on it, MY MOM HAD THE SAME ONE!! My HP is amazing. I am still nervous & scared about leaving my AA family and my wonderful sponsor.
I know I can't drink. When it flashed through my head, I saw all the destruction I would leave in my path. I would NEVER have peace, comfort or friendships. Losing my mother on Jan 31st made me realize I got sober for a reason, I needed to be there for HER!! I needed to be the one to help. I love my husband but he is not worth drinking over, why ruin myself because he doesn't love me. I can be happy alone, conquer my fear and learn how to be an even better person if I stay strong and stay sober.
I just have to keep trusting in my HP, I am thankful to have such a loving guide!!