Life has been really crappy lately and I am feeling a lot of emotions and I am thinking of a drink more than I would like to admit. I know I can't drink!!! I know I can't just have one for a little relief. It doesn't work that way when you are an alcoholic, like me. If I was to consume that first drink my life would be even more of a mess. I would not be able to finish school, create new friendships, maintain my old ones, or start over and make a better life for myself. I would not be able to give support to my husband while he goes through his personal things, we are getting a divorce, but I still want to see him get the help and support he needs even when I'm gone.
Yesterday was a hard day, I started to get things ready to pack for my move. I was doing some more of my 4th step work with my sponsor and when I was done I went to grab something to eat really quick. I ended up at a restaurant with a bar, the bar was the only place to sit. So I sat next to a lady on the end. I ordered a cranberry and sprite. 1st thing out of her mouth was, to bad you don't have vodka in that. I just smiled, even though I wanted to gouge her eyeballs out with my spoon!!!! I noticed that she had a drink waiting and was finishing up another. She was watching the ballgame and was the only one screaming at the T.V. I actually felt bad for her. I was her at one point in my drinking I'm sure!! I ordered my food and was waiting. She was having small talk with all the waiters and bartenders, she knew everyone, just like I used to when I went to places drinking. At one point a guy came over, I think it was a manger. He said hi to her and was chatting about the game. Then he said something that made my heart break. He said to the women, "I hope you don't have one to many today. The last game you were here you were really feeling it, huh? I was worried, how did you feel that next morning?" I could feel her embarrassment, I felt it for her!! I could feel how it hurt her down deep. She make a silly comment to try to blow him off, but I have been there before myself, it is AWFUL!!! At that point I thought to myself, wow, this is what I could be, this is my YET, alone at a bar, screaming at the tv, drinking alone and getting sloppy. I have done that before, I have been driven home by bartenders from my local places, I know her pain, embarrassment, fears! I was her. I had been thinking for a little bit, thinking that when I move I'll be cured, I KNOW it's stupid, but I'm an alcoholic and my twisted mind wants me to drink. I know if I pick up a drink, I will be this women, but only worse, maybe with a DUI, maybe hurting someone, maybe....... I don't know!! I do know that my HP put that women next to me, he showed me what might be, or could be a yet for me. I don't want it, I want sobriety!!!! Life is a challenge, I need to except that and move forward in a sober direction.
I am thankful for that women, I am sad she is in pain, but without her knowing, she helped keep me sober. I am thankful for that!!