Can we talk budget???

Oh dear lord, I nearly fainted when my contractor gave me an guesstimate for my house.  Granted, I pressured him to, but then I started to tear up and he got upset trying to make me feel better, it was a mess!!  Anyway, HOLY SHIT!!!  Now, I will have the full amount by next summer, but now I am about $20,000 short, he said he is going to rework things.  My friends husband actually wants to clear the lot for me and his friend wants to take the trees, that will help with the excavating, but not $20,000 worth, lol!!  I am sitting here now, knowing that I can't change this.  I don't want to take a loan because I am just starting a new job with a low pay until it gets going, getting a divorce, all that stuff.  I know I can pay for most of it, so maybe I can do all the prep work this fall, then next July have the house delivered.  Who knows, my contractor seemed like he wanted to work something out for me, maybe we do enough to get me in and go from there, I don't know.  I just know I will be ok if I have to wait a year!!  I got the job I was waiting on and I may just have to find another place for the winter to rent.  I just know I can't drink over it, I thought quickly about a drink, but there is nothing I can do!!  A drink will only make everything a mess~~~

I have to give it to my HP, he knows what I need, I just have to be open to everything.  The funny thing is I know I will have the complete amount by next July, so it is a definite, not a maybe, so I might just have to DELAY MY WILL until then, unless something happens.  At least I own the land and I have it!!!

My nephews had a swim party today for their birthdays, it was very weird, I haven't seen my brother or sister in law in a while and they were very nasty to me when I was moving down here.  Blaming me for things that my brother created, not me.  Anyway, it was fine, but she told all her relatives about my situation with my husband and 2 of them confronted me, not in a mean way, but in a noisy nice way, if there is such a thing.  It was TERRIABLE~!~~  They both did it in front of others and  I was glad I had my sunglasses on because I was tearing up.  I had kind of a rough day.  It will get better, I just have to accept the things I can not change!!