Well, it's been about 2 weeks since I spoke to my ex to be. He is supposed to go to court with my lawyer on Tuesday to agree to the divorce. The lawyer is going in for me since I am out of state. I am feeling funny right now. Last night I woke up was thinking of him, it was weird, then I got a feeling he is going to try to change something. I am not sure why, and who knows, but the funny thing is I am pretty good with my gut feelings. I feel and this could be me being a nut, but I feel like he wants to wait and maybe see what happens after he does some more therapy. I don't know. I don't know why I kept feeling like that but I did and do. I think I am sad, but at peace. I know I tried my best. Even though I am an alcoholic and I drank to escape things, I think I was a pretty good wife. It's funny sometimes I get so resentful when people have these husbands and wives who do horrible, terrible, abusive things to their partners and they stay with them, they forgive them, they love them because that is what you do in a marriage. But I feel like my husband wanted to hate me, he tried so hard, I think he wanted to hate me because sometimes he hated his father who was an alcoholic and his mother who was emotionally unavailable. I feel like I was the easy target and I was bonus points because I was the alcoholic, so he could look like a saint for putting up with me. The funny thing though is, I put up with HIM!! I forgave his moods and his nastiness, I forgave his laziness and apologized for his self centered attitude with others. I always made sure he was happy and comfortable and that he was taken care of, even most of the time when I was drinking. I really thought it was my job to create his happiness until one day when my sponsor asked me what makes me happy. You know what, it took a while, because I was lost in all the things I needed to do for him. For God's sake I bought a motorcycle and got my motorcycle license because I thought that would make him happy. It never did!!! What will make him happy? I remember when we were first together I felt how much he loved me, then as time went on I didn't so much. It was like I was his addiction at first. HE had to have me, He had to be with me, he had to marry me, he had to have more time with me. Then when he got all he wanted he threw me back. I feel like I was used up, taken advantage of, made to feel like it was my alcoholism. Well it wasn't my alcoholism. It was HIM!! I am sad that he didn't fight for me. It was his depression. His pent up fears, his unhappy childhood. His abuse by a teacher, his job. I could never have satisfied his need to feel loved. I gave him all the love I could, but he never knew it because he doesn't know what love is. He never felt it for himself and he was never shone it.
i hope he is still seeing the therapist. I do love him, but I hate to say it, HE is the one who must change. I am changing everyday in my program, I am learning to love who I am, accept who I am and know that someone else will not give me self worth. But isn't it said that I want to be loved by someone who has no capacity to love me back?????
I don't know why I think he is changing his mind. I don't know what will happen, not sure what I want to happen. What I do know is I will be at peace with it. This is the path my HP has put in front of me. I am blessed to have been able to get a job, a place to live and now to be building my home. It was meant to be this way and if my husband is still part of this picture, he will have to bend and flex the way I did. Maybe it's his time to start to grow. I know I am growing and I am happy. We'll see what happens.
I have been praying for him and for myself, that is all I can do. The rest is up to my HP!!