Riding out the storm

So I am ready for Irene.  I hope everything will be ok for everyone.  I am in such a weird funk lately.  So the court hearing was on Thursday.  In 120 days I will be divorced.  I am sad, happy, mad, relieved, lost????  I feel so many things.  I am sad because in my sick head I thought he would come to terms with his issues and try to find some peace for the two of us.  It didn't happen, I even had dreams about it, so it was my sick head!!!  He told my lawyer to tell me he hopes I'm ok and he told her I'm a good person and he is sorry.  So fucked up!!!!

I feel so disconnected, so out of touch with my program.  I am missing my sponsor and all my friends from Boston so much.  I love being here close to my other friends, but I go to meetings and I just don't feel a connection to them.  They are nice and I see the same faces, but I just don't know.  I keep thinking that maybe I am not an alcoholic, it was my husbands depression that drove me to it and now he is gone and I can have some, in moderation.  I know it is bullshit, but it scares me because I am thinking it more often, everyday.  I know everything I have been given, all my blessings is because I am sober, but my head is messing with me.  I just keep praying, I think that is what makes me a little resentful of my husband, I would still be working my program with "my people" if it wasn't for him.  But I have to remember I would still be living in his depressing hell, like a prisioner.  I don't know, I just have to get my head straight.  I am blessed to have been able to do all I have these last few months. I have to remember it is because my HP is guiding me, I just have to straighten out my thinking!!