This is how I have been feeling like since I moved from my house and left my husband. I am grateful for so much, but I don't feel comfortable yet, I don't feel at home. I am so fortunate to be building my cute little "box of possibilities", that's my nick name for my house. But yesterday I realized that I am not anchored yet. I am still working on an on call basis, which is great because I need every bit of money I can get. I also don't want to be full time until I am in the house so I am organized. I feel like I am just sleeping at this house I am renting, I don't feel comfortable, it's weird. I love to read and I really don't like to read here. On nice days I'll read on the deck, but I always read in bed or the couch back home, here, I just can't, it's weird. The dogs and I chased down a mouse yesterday!!! UGH, I screamed like a maniac!! It was a BIG fat one!! It was like a bad sitcom. My big dogs, me screaming and the mouse running here and there trying to get away. I actually, I don't know how I caught it under a deep pan and slid the pan on the floor to the porch door and somehow shoved both out!! Needless to say the pan is still on the porch and will be thrown out, YUCK!! PLEASE MR. FAT MOUSE STAY AWAY!!! After finding the mouse, cleaning the floor and sanitizing anything I could think of, I realized why I'm not settled. None of my things are around, I have everything in bins because I didn't want mice or anything in them. I'm just not at home. I miss the comfort of my things, my AA home group, the serenity I created for myself in my home even when my husband was creating ciaos. That's what I miss.
I had a family kind of weekend. We went to this really great pumpkin patch on Saturday night, and yesterday we went to a park to carve them, it was really fun. The kids loved playing at the park, I think all the dad's liked carving the pumpkins on their own, LOL!! I realized something else yesterday. I am not comfortable around my family. Well, more my brother and his wife and her family. They all brought beers with them and put them in their mugs yesterday and Saturday they had a cooler in the back of their car so they could relax when the kids get crazy. I would have been happy to have had stuff in the cooler 18 months ago, but now I am not a part of that, and I think that was the only thing I could connect to them on. I went to a meeting last night and ran into a women who I have met before and she actually knows people I know. She's been in the program a long time, she's nice. She asked how I was doing and I said not so good. I had to stop and ask myself why. I can totally handle it when my friends have drinks, I have no problem going to dinner and having a friend order something, or at their house. I think I figured it out, I am connected to my friends, so I have more than alcohol to bond us. I was and never have been connected to my brothers, it weird, but when I drank it was easier. Now that I don't drink, not so much. I had been reading a book on "soul groups" and not to get to deep, but I don't feel like my brothers are in my soul group. How sad. I never really connected it until I read a few books on this. I do truly believe our souls come back to learn and help others, and in a way last night confirmed it for me. I'm uncomfortable with my brothers because I don't feel a connection and the easiest way to make a connection was to drink, so I at least felt comfortable. I think now if I remember this and pray on this it will help me a bit.
Hope you all have a great day, off to make sure they are moving along on my house!! I need out of here!!!!