Gratitude

I really think I felt the true meaning of gratitude.  It means to be truly thankful and grateful, and I am.

  I haven't blogged about my expericance going to see my homegroup yet. I got back late afternoon on Saturday and I think I needed it all to sink in.  I MISS THOSE PEOPLE!!!  OMG!!!  It was the thing I needed to relight the light inside me.  I have been so lonely without my AA people.  People that get me, people who understand me, people who can really talk the talk and walk the walk.  I know for sure I need to find a good group down here in Pa.  I wish I could bus my friends down and have them do a meeting with the people in this area, for me I feel like it would get them back on the AA track (this is purly my opionion, no offense to these people)!!  I feel like my group talks and lives in the solution to alcoholism, where the group down here wallows in the miseries of their lives.  They aren't open to talking about the solution, it's just about who hates their neighbor, who doesn't have a job, who this, who that.  Honestly I can do all that complaining at my own house, I want to go to a place and talk about the steps, how to work them honestly, how to avoid alcohol, how my life may be sucky sometimes but when you add alcohol it is UNMANAGABLE!!!  That's what I want.

Anyway, I was so happy that my sponsor from back home has a BB study on Thursday nights with some women I love so I went there, WOW, I felt so at home!!!  It was beautiful!!  Then I went to my Saturday morning meeting, I got there early to talk with my sponsor, and my friend Tom was there, he is like my guy sponsor.  He is like my dad, my dad would have been his age if he was alive.  It was so nice to get a hug from him and just to talk.  It's weird when I look into his eyes I see my dads sometimes, maybe hes speaking through Tom to me.  Anyway, what an amazing meeting!!  I love them and I felt rejuvinated!!

My soon to be ex took care of the dogs, it was hard to see him.  He didn't look well.  The house was not the same.  He was so happy to see the dogs and that made me happy.  I feel such heartache for him.  I feel like my spirit is so connected to him, but he isn't connected to his own spirit, if that makes sense.  I think he is still really confused about things, but I don't feel he is in a better place, I feel like he is a sad, confused soul.  I called to pick up the dogs on Saturday and he was still sleeping at 11:30.  I woke him out of a dead sleep.  That was my life.  I would do things in the morning, come back and he would still be sleeping.  I couldn't clean or make any noise, it was so awful.  Then he would wake up and mope around the house and finally shower.  By then it was early afternoon and he would be pissed that he had chores to do, and didn't have anytime to do what he wanted!!  That was my life and I don't want that back.  I wanted back the person that I got a glimpse of once in a while, the person I married, but that person I think is buried very deep inside him.  I pray for him, I still love him, but he hasn't really moved very far forward I think.

I have so much Gratitude for my friends that support me, for a meeting that makes me smile and fills my heart, and for all the gifts I have been given through my sobriety.

I hope you all have a beautiful holiday!!

House update soon, please pray I am in by the middle of next week, UGH!!!