So many Feelings!!

Well, I have been having a really hard time lately.  I should be more thankful, and I am very thankful, but sadness sometimes takes over any joy/gratitude I may have. I am in my house and I am blessed for that!!  I just feel so empty.  I have this house and I keep wishing my husband was here, I know I am crazy, I just thought this would have been where we had a vacation home, not where I would be living alone.  I feel so empty, it makes me ache.  I don't know what it is, I know I should be over it by now. I moved in July, mom passed away last January, but I am not over it!!!

Christmas was so hard.  I look back at last year, I see the pictures and I see my mom & my husband.  We all actually look happy, how a year can change everything!!  I can't stop crying.  I can't even talk about my mom without crying.  I can't be at parties with friends because I feel so lonely and sad.  I miss having someone in my life, I really am not sure if I was happy or what I was.  I just feel so alone and I think I thought if I held on long enough my husband would snap out of his funk.  I was always thinking it would get better.  Now I just wish I had something to make me feel safe,  I just don't know.  I know I am all over the place with this post!!

I started up work full time, I am not busy at all and they haven't done any advertising that would bring in business.  This makes me nervous because I need to make commission and I need clients.  I need to go out and market myself, which I HATE!!!  But if I don't, I know I will not get busy.  Nobody even knows that they remodeled or what I have to offer.  I think it is also the worst time ever for a salon.  It is January and everyone already got their hair done at the holidays.  It will 5-6 weeks before I start to see people I believe.  And I am not even going to go into the whole bullshit some of the other coworkers pulled when I first started on Monday!! 

I just keep doing my affirmations and praying, I just hope if I do the work it will come back to me.  I  just know I have to stay sober, because it would really SUCK to be drunk and have to deal with all this bullshit stuff!!!  I am going to try to find an AA marathon this weekend, maybe I can meet some people that can direct me to some meetings that I will enjoy and find some new connections.  I think I really need AA in my life. I wonder sometimes if I was stupid for leaving Boston.  I had suck an amazing group of people in my life up there.  I can't regret the past, but I guess I can always wonder!!

Please everyone have a safe holiday weekend!!

I am so happy for this blog, I feel just a little bit better having just written this.