At a pub, waiting for the meeting across the street

I'm at the BeanTown Pub in Boston waiting fir the 5:30 Park St meeting.

I know it sounds stupid, and I would never suggest another alcoholic to do this, but I'm having dinner before the meeting. I worked in Boston and I didn't feel like sitting in traffic, and I need a meeting really badly!!!

I guess I am protecting myself because I told my husband what I was doing and I am blogging from here, so I have to be accountable.

I always liked sitting in bars. I like the chatter, the men hitting on women, the liveliness. At the end of my drinking I warmed up at bars, then drank bottles of vodka at home. So sad really!!

Hoping your all doing well.

3 guys next to me, early 20s talking about who they want to hook up with this weekend, lol!!!!!

11 months today & I'm still sober!!! I'm making through my weekend with the family, Thank you God!!!

Was just looking for a drink

I can't believe it, I actually was looking in my mothers cabinets for a drink.  I know I am coming up on a year but  I had to stop and pray, that's the only thing that brought me back from insanity!!!!  I just got to my mothers house because I have to clear it out and meet with the real estate agent to list it.  I sat in an accident for 1 1/2 hours, got into an argument with my asshole brother and walked into my mothers house half cleared out by my selfish aunt!!  I was mentally preparing myself to walk in the house like that, but it's differant when you see it!!!  I have been struggling the last week or so.  I think it is because I am coming up on 11 months this weekend, my mothers death, my change in employment status, dealing with my stupid brother who speaks without listening or thinking, and my crazy aunt!!! They are making me crazy, I am just crying all the time, it's horrible!!

I walked in the house and even my dogs were freaked by how the place was ransacked and messy!!!!!

I know I have to let this go, I do love my Aunt, she has the emotional mentality of a 10 year old, I know this, it's just all this at once is hard!!

I'm just sad, just really sad.

It's weird.  When I left my house to come to my mothers, I went to call her cell phone to tell her I was coming.  It will be  2 months on the 31st and I think I am starting to feel the emotional stuff now.  I have been so busy getting her affairs in order, I didn't just cry, now all I do is cry.  I can't even talk about it without tearing up.

I am so glad my husband cleared the house of alcohol before he left the last time.  I think I was
looking  for something to dull the feelings.

I'm just so sad.

Looking back at Last year.....not a good place.

I just read my blog from last year.  It was 2 days after St. Pat's day.  It was horrible!!!  My husband had been in contact with a women from his past, she found him through Facebook!!  I figured it all out, confronted him and thankfully it was only emails, but I am sure it could have led to something else, I AM SURE OF THAT!!  He was talking about me to her, telling her I am an alcoholic, telling her he was unhappy.  She was so kind, and very attentive!!!  Telling him how fabulous he is and that she wished she had a MAN like him in her life, she was so unhappy with the man she had had her children with.  She wished they could be with each other!!!  I LOST MY F'in SHIT!!!!

That Bitch got a fabulously sarcastic email and I told her I knew where she lived and to look for a letter to her "partner" explaining to him all the emails and sending him the copies I had.  Which I did have, but I never sent the letter, but I just wanted to FUCK with her head!!!  I know my husband wasn't innocent!!  By no means, we got through it, but I still had, and still do have very deep feelings about what happened, that may never change, but I can't change that, I have to just move forward.  I went through some times where I sarcasticly would drop digs at him about what he did.  Ever the alcoholic, I blamed him for everything, but I know I had my part in it.  I pushed him away, belittled him, I did so many horrible things.  I know if  I wasn't drinking and he did this I would have been gone, FOR SURE!!  But, he did it while I was actively, insanely drinking daily and in the emails it really was all about my drinking behavior.

When we were married I never thought it would ever have been like that, but I also never knew I would become an active alcoholic.  Alcoholism takes some many things away from us.  I am so thankful I am in recovery, I am thankful that my dreams and hope will NEVER be squashed by ALCOHOL, EVER!!!

Happy to report that our marriage is on track, we both talked about things, he went to therapy for his problems, I went to AA for mine, thankfully we can meet in the middle.  We are working as a loving unit, MOST DAYS, and that is one of the gifts sobriety has given me!!!

Doing the best I can do!!

I am doing the best I can do and I am o.k. with that today.  I always feel a need to get things done, but today I slept in, chilled out and took care of me.  I feel so good!!!  I have been having a hard time lately.  All my emotions are coming together about how I feel about losing my mom.  I know this is normal, but my mom's sister is dying now, hospice doesn't think it will be long and I think I feel guilty because I don't want to keep going to see her.  I just feel I can't sit there and stare at her while she is dying.  I think I am coming to terms with it.  I also do not want to deal with her shitty children, who are my age and are selfish assholes.  I don't want to lose my temper and lash out.  My one cousin was HORRIBLE to my mom in December.  She screamed and yelled at my mom and used nasty words to get her point across.  My mother was so upset that she got sick, and at the time she was a little over a month away from dying, but that bitch talked to mom like that!!!!  I can tolerate them, but I don't want to be with them.  You know what, it is ok.  I have made my peace with my aunt and if she passes I will not feel bad. 

I just needed today to sit with my feelings and get recharged.  I have to go down again to my mom's and get her house ready for selling it.  I have stayed away because I was afraid that I would want to drink, and I think that is really the best thing I can do.

Staying away from a drink is the best thing that I can do!!!

Have a great day!!

Grief or Greed????

I am so tired of selfish, greedy people!!!  I know sometimes people are "just the way they are", but I am sick of using that excuse for people!!!!!! 

My Aunt & Uncle (my mothers brother & sister) are all about what they want, when they want it!!!  I am sick of trying to be careful not to hurt any body's feelings!!!  GUESS WHAT........ I HAVE FEELINGS TOO!!!  I have tried to be so fair durning this whole thing with my mom passing.  What ever they wanted or needed I supplied for them.  My aunt is an F'n hoarder and wants every last thing in mom's house.  FINE!!!!  I have no problem with it.  I had to tell her she couldn't have the new toaster oven we bought mom, because her daughter, my cousin was going to take it, she was a little pissed!!!

Just found out that my aunt went to my moms house, while I am out of town, and cleared it out!!!  Now, to be fair, she asked if she could take a dresser from mom's room.  She wants the whole bedroom set, fine, but for now sometimes I use moms bed when my husband comes down, because in my room I have a double.  Moms bed is larger.  She came down and took the whole bedroom, her room is CLEARED, EMPTY!!!!  When she told me she was going to take the dresser, I asked her to please put the socks in the dresser on mom's bed for me.  We'll she threw everything in the room I am staying in.  So mom's room is empty & their is shit everywhere in the room I have to  sleep in!!!!!  The reason I know that this happened is because my younger brother went to get the mail for me.  He just thought I knew, when we talked today he told me. 

I tried to remain calm.  I tried to stop crying.  It is not about her taking the stuff, I know she will end up having it soon anyway.  It is about the sneaky way she did it.  If she had told me she was taking it all i would have said please leave the bed, maybe I would have been fine with her taking it all, IF I KNEW ahead of time.  It is more about the fact that people think they can just root through mom's things like it is a free for all!!!  It is about the fact that maybe I didn't want to go back to mom's house and not see her bed there.  It is ABOUT ME, yes, but if she had been honest with me, I may not have been upset, I may have thought it through and been fine, or I may have said please leave the bed for now.  But give ME A CHOICE!! 

I sent her a text because I was upset and I just wanted to be clear I was unhappy, but I didn't want a drama, yelling, crying, screaming match.  She sent back a text that make her out to be a victim, I am so sick of VICTIMS,  EVERYONE IS A F'in victim!!!  If she said she was sorry I would be fine, but no, she became a victim and then after her sob story she said she would return the bed.  SHUT THE F UP!!!!!!!!!  

Then my Uncle wants moms car, she owes $9000 on it, we will give it to him for $9000.  It is worth 15 so he is getting a huge deal.  He just has to pay off mom's loan and change the title.  No Biggie. Well, he can't get a loan because his son ruined his credit!!!  Well, what can I do????  He told me that he is  taking the car and he will make the payments.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  The car is the estates, which means if something happens, an accident, anything, WE (my brothers & I) are responsible!!!!  That is not fair!!!  Don't tell me that I am accountable for you!!!  So now I am a BITCH,  CONTROL FREAK & SELFISH!!!!   F you too!!!!!!!

Funny thing is my aunt told someone that she's not getting anything (meaning money) so she'll take what she can.  The ironic thing is my brothers and I were going to give her $10,000 when the estate was settled.  We wanted to show her that we appreciated all she did for mom.  NOW, I don't give a shit.  She gets nothing, take all the f'in crap you want, I'll keep the money.  I'll take care of myself and pay some bills!!!!!!

As for my Uncle, I was going to pay the car off and let him title it in his name and then have him pay me back, but because of how he yelled at me, I'm not!!!!  I was going to do it so he could have a break!!  F you asshole!!

GREED gets you nothing!!!!

I know I am being so mean, but I had to get this out, all this has upset me so much.  I WANTED  a drink so bad.. I just want to give them all the middle finger!!!!  But I know it will not help me if I drink, it will only make it worse, I am just feeling so much pain!!!!  I can't drink AT people, that is what I used to do!  Now I have to just step back.

Got a massage today!!

It was so nice.  My friend is a massage therapist and we trade off services, so I was so happy when I came home this weekend and she said she had an opening.  It was WONDERFUL!!! 

I have been in a bit of a funk.  I came home from my mothers home on Thursday and I am going back on Wed. but I needed some time away from everything.  Most of the things that need to be done for mom's estate have been taken care of and I can do other things from my house.  I just need some time home with my husband and the dogs.  Just to relax, and not be looking at all my mothers things.  I just feel bad that I have to sort through her things, trying to figure out what to do with them.  It makes me so sad, it breaks my heart to know she had purchased these things at one time because she wanted them, and know we are sorting through them like we are at a thrift shop.  I feel like I am being disrespectful and I am very sensitive when someone comments on something or wants something, I know it's me, but it's my feelings.

I was feeling like I wanted to escape, that is how I would feel when I wanted a drink.  That is when I knew I had to come home, step back and get into some of my regular meetings and see my sponsor.  Sometimes just talking on the phone doesn't get it done, when your really sad, lonely and emotional.  I needed to be home!!  I got up early, left and drove the 5 hours back home.  I handled the business that needed to be done, I am not needed right now, now it is about me and keeping my addiction under control!!! 

I attended 2 meetings yesterday and they were great.  I found a new 1 I never went to and actually knew some people from other meetings so it was comfortable.  It was a step meeting, talking about step 3.   Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Boy, this struck me, I have really been trying hard to make a conscience decision to do this lately, especially with things about my mothers estate and my older brothers ignorance.  It was good to listen to the comments and really hear about this step.  I know my program is not for everyone but I am so thankful I have it.  It really keeps me grounded.

The 2nd meeting I went to was to hear my sponsor speak.  My husband and I went, it really is amazing to hear her, all she went through, all her fears, then her recovery & strength. It was great.  My husband enjoyed it to, it really helps him to understand and give me the support I need, which is nice.

Feeling better after just writing about everything, thank God  I am still sober~~