This is something I wrote a while ago and it was really refreshing to read it again. A year ago today was the last night of my drinking. My bottom, my eye opening experience. It may not be a bottom most would be proud of, you know the people with the AA "war stories". It was when I was finally broken, and I couldn't take it anymore.
What helped me to Really See that alcohol was ruling & ruining my life? So many of my drunken actions brought me to my bottom and through the doors of AA, but the most significant thing for me was the last night that I drank (hopefully forever). April 25th 2010 was a Sunday & I was a disgusting drunk that day. I did so many things that I would love to be able to deny I did, but I did them & by doing them I feel that is what lead me to really see that I was at my bottom. (Driving drunk, lying, manipulating, using money we really didn’t have for my alcohol, not having a shred of personal hygiene, blaming others for my own doing, The list can go on!!!)
The 25th was like any other day after I drank too much the night before. My husband had contempt in his eyes when he looked at me, I smelled like sweat & vodka (they say vodka doesn’t have a smell, but it does smell when it comes out your pours!) and my house was in disarray and I really didn’t give a crap. My husband jumped in the shower and I looked for my bottle from the night before, to see what was left, NOTHING!!! UGH, I had to go get more quickly, so he wouldn’t know, thank God he takes LONG showers. I threw on clothes that now I would not be caught cleaning my bathroom in, and ran to the liquor store. Did you notice that I didn’t brush my teeth or fix my hair?????? Oh, also I took a swig of some gin and some crown royal that I hated, but we never used so I thought my husband wouldn’t notice. I just need to get that feeling going because my hangover was bad!! Fast forward to about 8 on that night. The liquor stores are closed and my bottle is empty, and I needed more. I started to pick a fight with my husband (because he saw my empty vodka bottle & was discussed by me) so I could leave the house and go get some more vodka, I would have to go to a bar or restaurant. I left the house screaming. Good, this would give me a couple of hours. I was still in my gross, nasty, smelly outfit from the morning, I did put my hair in a ponytail, but that is what I looked like. I went searching for somewhere to go. Most places by us, that didn’t know who I was were closed. I had to go further away, Thank GOD for GPS. I did a search and ended up in a town that has a lot of gang violence, shootings, and robberies. WOW, what a great find, a bar that was open! I walked in, or maybe I stumbled, because I already drank a bottle of vodka, sat down and ordered a drink, vodka on the rocks. I think that is what I said, it may have come out completely slurred and ridiculous sounding, and I was drunk out of my skull!!! I went to pay for it and all I had was a bankcard. He would not run a tab for me so I had to pay for that drink. I sat there and drank, I looked up in front of me and there was a huge mirror, the full length of the wall with all the alcohol in front of it on shelves. The only open spot to see my reflection was directly in front of me. As I started to stare at myself, ( I was most likely passing out) the bartender looks at me and says, what are you doing here? You don’t belong here. Are you o.k.? I was so pissed, how dare he say such a thing to me, I belong in this dive as much as the next drunk!!!!!! I said I was fine, but then I looked up at my reflection. Who was I looking at, was this me, what have I become?? My life is falling apart and I am in a bar in a warzone!! Is this what my life is going to be, hiding in a bottle in a dive bar? What happened to the person who was voted best smile in school? That smile couldn’t still be in me, could it? Was it buried away, under all the self-hatred and alcoholic thinking? I knew, while looking into that dusty, filthy cracked mirror that I needed to change. It wasn’t my husbands’ fault, my mothers, my friends, or any other person in the world. It was the person in that mirror that had to change or that person in the mirror will die from alcohol!! I did not want to die from alcohol!! This was my first step into knowing I needed help. The next day I attended my 1st real AA meeting and I know for a fact that I found what I needed. The funny thing is I prayed before I walked into that meeting, please God just help me to get it, help me with my problems. I knew nothing about AA, but I feel that by just saying a prayer, I was able to walk into that AA meeting and have a completely open mind, and new understanding of myself. This may not sound like a bottom to some of you, but this was my bottom. I know things could have been worse, a lot worse, I have lots of “yets”. If I pick up another drink, those “yets” will become my new reality.
