You have to take life for what it is....

I am learning this daily.  My personal life is falling apart before my eyes.  It is funny how things bite you in the ass.  I was so thankful after I got my year.  I knew my husband was in a dark place, but I thought we would get through it together.  i wanted to give him his space.  I thought anything was possible if I was sober.  Well, guess what, anything is possible and the not so pretty side of life is coming through.  We are being kind to one another, but he has realized that it is me that is his problem.  I am the root of all his unhappiness.  I told him I understand, I can't change someones feelings, they are his and his alone.  I do love him, I want him to be happy, I have never known him to be truly happy, but maybe because it was me, in his eyes.  I knew this was coming, I have been talking with people about it.  We are lucky we have no children involved.  We are going to be fair to each other, I am thankful for that, I am so sad and disappointed.  I can't change this though, it is our path, I just hoped that we could have had an even stronger marriage, but I think I was living in a dream world.

I am going to make it through this, I have had a hell of a year.  I saw my mother through ovarian cancer and her death, and I maintained my sobriety.  I have had so many people I love pass this year and it really puts it in perspective.  If he and I are not happy we should be apart, we can still love the other person, but not be with them.  It is just a really hard week because my mother's sister died on Sunday from her 12 year battle with breast cancer and I am closing on my mom's house on Friday, I am just really emotional.  I KNOW I can't drink, I just wish I had my mother.

I miss my mom and this is ripping me apart right now, I feel so alone.

Judging in Recovery

I am learning so much in recovery right now.  I am being taught by all those around me because I choose to listen with my heart.  I am so thankful for all the people I have met in AA, my sponsor, my new Internet friends and www.emilyism.com.   Emilyism is a place where I first went to get help with my disease.  I met compassionate people on this site, all the ladies & a few men.  They all gave me the courage and strength to stand up and expect more from my alcohol induced black whole.  They emailed me, called me and taught me how to take responsibility for myself and my addiction. 

Emily & Annette were the driving force that got me to my first AA meeting and have lead me down the road to my year and almost a month sobriety.  I am so thankful to them and I am glad I have them in my life.

On Emily's blog there is a women who constantly judges posts that people put up, in particular Annette, it bothers me and I feel I am now judging this person, which I know is not right.  I just feel like when others pass judgement they may not know the whole situation (like me) or they may just be envious or jealous of what someone else may have, without consciously knowing it.  I pray for this person and I am so thankful I have all you bloggers in my life!!!!

Lots of Love!!

Getting by.

I went home this weekend to take care of some things.  I checked on my parents stone at the cemetery and went by my mothers house.  It was really a hard weekend.  I felt how alone I really am.  Now, I do have my friends and some family members, but I am without both my parents now and I really have no support from my husband.  I am 37 and at this point you have made your life, your family, your friends.  I thought that I have made a life with my husband, but now I am not so sure.  He is so deep in his depression that I just feel like I am living with a miserable teenager.  I feed him, clean the house, pay the bills, I'm like his mother.  I have no emotional connection right now to him, he offers no physical comfort when I need it.  He basically sucks the life out of the area he is in.  I do really feel for him though, he is in such a dark place, but I can't help but feel that I am now getting resentful of the past 5 years.  I am reflecting on all I have missed out on.  All that he never felt like doing or participating in.  All the dreams and goals we had that he would always put off.  All the effort I would make to try to make him happy.  The funny thing is I am an alcoholic, I drank to drown my feelings, but sometimes I know I drank to get away from him.  To escape the disappointment of my life, what I had hoped for the marriage.  I see with SOBER eyes that I was and am always the one who gives, forgives, or changes to suit the other and I know now that when he gets to a healthy place we need to reevaluate the marriage and how it has and has not been working. 

The one thing I know is that I have to remember that I am a part of this marriage and therefore I am a part of the problem.  I have to own my part in this, but remember that this is not how I want the next part of my life to be like.  I am 37, my dad died at 40, my mom 61.  I don't want to have regrets.  I also don't want to be married to someone who wants to blame all his problems on me.  I know whatever will be will be, but change will be part of the equation for me, that is for sure.

Sobriety is giving me the courage to know and accept that I deserve to be happy and I know he does to.  I want that for both of us, but I wonder if he does.

Going away this weekend and I can't wait to be alone!!!

UPDATE on my husband: He is doing a tad bit better.  He spoke with the new therapist, who actually ended up being a women I was seeing, he really liked her.  He also went and his Dr. changed his meds a bit.  I feel like he is out if the darker part for now.  Now he is going through a remorse part.  He regrets what he has said, is very apologetic.  I feel bad for him, his emotions are all over, now he is just sorry. 

This weekend I am going out of town to check on my moms house and go to the cemetery.  I am excited that I am staying at my friends B&B and I will have some time alone with my friends.  My husband was originally going to come, but with how he is feeling it is best if he just stays home and relaxes.  I know I am looking forward to some time just to be on my own. 

I am starting summer session soon.  I am actually taking 6 classes.  I am taking more because I want to have the major classes done by the end of Fall semester.  The only thing  I will have left in the spring will be some electives.  The reason I am doing this is because I am not sure if when my husband works things out, if we'll still be together.  I don't know what will happen with us.  I told him to work on his things first, get in a good place mentally and see where I fit in, if I do.  One thing is for sure, I am going to get my associate degree and continue forward and he is NOT going to manipulate me into not finishing.  he tries to make me feel like I am not taking care of him when I am busy at school.  I am going to remember that in the end I need to take care of me.

Haven't posted in a while!

Life has been LIFE since last week.  It has been such a up and down I don't even know where to start.  all I can say is I am still SOBER!! 

My husbands depression was at an all time low last week, it was oppressing.  I know I am not the one with depression, but my heart breaks for his pain.  He feels worthless, unlovable & fearful.  (Doesn't that sound like an alcoholic??)  With saying all that, he has been completely AWFUL, NASTY & HORRIBLY UGLY to me!!   I know it isn't about me, it is a problem he is facing and he wants to lash out at someone, that someone is me!!!  He is mad when I'm happy, mad when I'm sad, mad when people are happy for me, mad about everything about me!!!  He feels I put others before him, I don't do enough for him, I don't leave him alone, YOU NAME IT!!  He is also exagerating everything that has ever been said between us, about each other or others.  he now claims, (which he did take bad the other day) that I hate his whole family and I keep him from them.  Funny thing is I am the reason he sees them most of the time, I invite them over, call to see if his brother wants to do things and then I have his brother call him so he feels loved.  I am EXHAUSTED!!  HE also said he doesn't think he loves me and that I am not a good wife.  I know the truth, I am a good wife, he is not in a good place.  We should be happy and he can't get there, but after he said he didn't love me it struck a cord, he doesn't love me, DO I LOVE HIM???  Do I like it when i have to make all the compromises in life so he has a touch of happiness? Do I like that he doesn't like to go anywhere or do anything, and then complain that he is bored?  Do I like that I put my life on hold until he "feels" happy?  I know I am an alcoholic and I am not perfect, but I have to say i was a good wife most of the time.  I am feeling that this may either help our marriage or end it, either way, it is the way it was meant to be.

Last year he was emailing with a women he went to school with, he was telling her he didn't love me, BLAH BLAH, etc.  I found out right before I got sober and I gave him an out, he swore it was the alcohol, not me that he didn't love, we'll maybe I was a fool.  I don't know, it is just all over the place, but I am going to stay sober, speak my truth and believe that my HP with guide me.  I am now in protection mode.  He has a lot of personal work to do with his new therapist, new meds, but I have to work on myself and see if it will work. 

Without my fellowship and sponsor, I know I wouldn't be in a good place, I would most likely be very spiritually sick, but in a way I feel at peace. I know I am blessed with a beautiful life, I just need to remember to stay on the right path and be thankful for all I have today!!