Keep it postive.

I am keeping it positive.  I am still waiting on somethings to happen so I can hopefully have somewhere to live.  I just have to give it to my HP and know what is meant to be will be.  I am attending meetings as much as I can and I am trying to keep my mind busy so it doesn't flounder in the fear!!!  I saw a mouse the last 2 nights so we gotta get them out, ugh, always something, it just grosses me out that they are running around where I may walk or something.  Plus I love watching Hoarders, so my alcoholic mind goes to what they have in their houses, LOL!!  Just gotta keep it positive. 

Life takes you down so many roads, I guess I have to be patient and enjoy the bends, turns and scenery that are on the one I am on now.

So why do doche bags have husbands?

Seriously!!  I am not even going to talk about alcohol, alcohol only makes douche bags worse!!  I am still in a funny spot right now, I am anxious, and upset and hopefully all at once.  I am giving it to my HP, sometimes it's hard though, I know things will work out, I will know things soon, but I just wanted to relax tonight and treat myself to a nice dinner.  So I go to this place, sit at the end of the bar, because I didn't want to ask for a table for 1.  I was ok, knew what I wanted, then she came.  An ugly, nasty person (douche bag)!!  I know, I am being so awful and I shouldn't be like this, but I can say what I want, LOL!!  She was loud, and I don't even think she was drunk.  She was nasty to her husband, bitched and complained about everything and everyone in her family.  It was unbelievable, and of course she sat her nasty ass right next to me!!!  UGH!!  All I can say is her husband just listened, keep saying ok, tried to give her the other side of the story, then she would yell at him!!!

Why do nasty people get the men that will stay with them no matter what, stick by their side, love them no matter how nasty they are.  I am still so upset and hurt about everything that is going on with my husband.  I tried really hard to do my best, even when I was drinking I was a pretty good wife.  I think tonight hearing that nasty women just set me off!!!  I just think I feel like I got shafted.  I am jealous I guess, I am jealous I didn't end up with someone who would love me forever.  I know I am better off and I know my husband didn't chose to have his breakdown and depression and all the other stuff, but I am just greiving I guess.  Grieveing what I never had, someone who loved me unconditionally!!


F that douche bag, LOL!!!!  I know this is such a nasty post, but I am just feeling sad for myself today!!

Why aren't you freaking out!!!

OK, I have been hearing this a lot lately from my friends and some family.  PEOPLE, please don't try to freak me out!!!

I guess now I am seeing how maybe the program I am working is working in my life.  I know this sounds crazy because I am probably supposed to be at my lowest point, I lost my mother, I am getting a divorce, I had to relocate, I had to find a job, I have to start completely over!!  I don't really feel so low, granted I am not the most sunshiny of people right now.  Everyone keeps reacting to the immediate things in my life that they want resolved quickly( me to, but I know better I guess).  They are worried about where I will live if I can't build my house this summer, they are worried about WHY I am not flipping out and screaming and yelling and losing my shit.  NOW PLEASE know I am freaking a little, but I am giving it to my HP.  I can't take the stress, I WILL drink over it!!  My best friend has a lot going on right now in her life and I think she feels she needs to be up my ass to be a good friend.  SO NOT TRUE!!!  She has her life, I have mine and I am trying to organize and create a new one here.  She is always breathless waiting for me to start snapping out, almost like she needs me to need her, LOL!!  She wants all the details, why this? Why that?  Why can't they???  She has 10 million crazy scenarios in her head and I have just a few and it is blowing her mind.  Now I think it's funny, although my situation isn't, I really would feel so much more at ease if I a can build before next year, but the reality is I am short some money until December.  It goes back to the money my ex owes me, that he spent and was mine.  I have a small resentment against him for that, but I have to let it go, he is mentally sick and if I over did it with the financial situation for him, I would not be able to live with myself.  The arrangement we made is doable for him and I agreed to it and i have to accept that!!  I was honest with the builder and if we can hold off on some things great, but I don't know if that is how it will work out.  I think I know no matter what, by next summer I will be in a home, even maybe this December, I just can't let others create ciaos in my head, it is MY head for God's sake!!!

The truth is, I will not over extend myself.  That will be worse long term.
The truth is I can stay at the place I am renting until next summer, but I can also leave in the fall and find a place I prefer.
The truth is no matter what, I will have the full amount of the house by Dec. 1.
The truth is we can prep my land and have it ready for the house.
The truth is I am not homeless!!!!!
The truth is I am SOBER
The truth is I AM OK WITH ALL THIS!!

When I was drinking all I could do was be pissed or obsess about the what if's, when's and why's.  I was the victim.  Nothing goes my way (in a whiny voice)!!  Life is life and we also create a lot of the energy that we don't want!!!  I am learning that to create a positive spirit,  the energy of love,  and all the good things that I want, I know I have to be an active part of it!!!  I can't sit in the background and complain, I can't wait for you or someone else to create something for me.  I MUST create my own reality!!

I have to always remember my truths!!!  I have to sit down and know this to shall pass!!  If I take things one day at a time and not sit in worry, things aren't so bad. 

Now, please don't get me wrong, I hope and pray that I am in my house by October, but I know I can only do what I can do, be honest and know the rest will fall into place!!

Hope you all have a great day and keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Saw a rainbow tonight, I hope it was for me, not the best day :(

Can we talk budget???

Oh dear lord, I nearly fainted when my contractor gave me an guesstimate for my house.  Granted, I pressured him to, but then I started to tear up and he got upset trying to make me feel better, it was a mess!!  Anyway, HOLY SHIT!!!  Now, I will have the full amount by next summer, but now I am about $20,000 short, he said he is going to rework things.  My friends husband actually wants to clear the lot for me and his friend wants to take the trees, that will help with the excavating, but not $20,000 worth, lol!!  I am sitting here now, knowing that I can't change this.  I don't want to take a loan because I am just starting a new job with a low pay until it gets going, getting a divorce, all that stuff.  I know I can pay for most of it, so maybe I can do all the prep work this fall, then next July have the house delivered.  Who knows, my contractor seemed like he wanted to work something out for me, maybe we do enough to get me in and go from there, I don't know.  I just know I will be ok if I have to wait a year!!  I got the job I was waiting on and I may just have to find another place for the winter to rent.  I just know I can't drink over it, I thought quickly about a drink, but there is nothing I can do!!  A drink will only make everything a mess~~~

I have to give it to my HP, he knows what I need, I just have to be open to everything.  The funny thing is I know I will have the complete amount by next July, so it is a definite, not a maybe, so I might just have to DELAY MY WILL until then, unless something happens.  At least I own the land and I have it!!!

My nephews had a swim party today for their birthdays, it was very weird, I haven't seen my brother or sister in law in a while and they were very nasty to me when I was moving down here.  Blaming me for things that my brother created, not me.  Anyway, it was fine, but she told all her relatives about my situation with my husband and 2 of them confronted me, not in a mean way, but in a noisy nice way, if there is such a thing.  It was TERRIABLE~!~~  They both did it in front of others and  I was glad I had my sunglasses on because I was tearing up.  I had kind of a rough day.  It will get better, I just have to accept the things I can not change!!

It's all mine now! Lots of potential! Keeping my fingers crossed for the next few things!

Today is my Closing

Today is my closing on a small piece of property that I have been waiting on.  God willing the contractor will be able to put up a very small 2 bedroom house on that property for me.  PLEASE keep your fingers crossed.  I actually think it will work out, I think I actually got some signs yesterday from my Dad who is passed.  It's weird but I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm getting by.  Tomorrow I will know if I get a contract with a company up here so I will then know for sure if I have a job!!  Busy, stressful week!!  I have been making meetings (even 2 a day when needed), talking to my sponsor, doing yoga and praying!!  That's all I can do, I have to give it to my HP and work with what I receive!!

Hope you all are doing well.  I'm wishing on this rainbow!!!

Keeping up the pace!!

OK!!  I went to the cookout.  It got changed to Friday night so there was only 4 of us, but it was so nice.  I met a women who seemed like my sponsor, I met another who was like my friend Christine, who I love, she is 28 years sober, she is amazing!!  It's funny the lady is even in OA like  my friend.  The other women was nice, but I was happy to make the connections I did.  The women's house was so beautiful and it was on the lake so it was so peaceful.  She really wanted everything to be so nice.  How nice is that!!  You meet the nicest people sometimes.  The reason she invited me was because I actually spoke up at a meeting and she felt a connection to me.  That was my luck and a wonderful gift!!!!  I will definitely be calling her to see what meetings she is going to!!

So I am on a pink cloud Friday night, come home, sit on the porch with the dogs, go inside AND WTF!!!  A HUGE critter!!!!!  Look, I know what a field mouse is, I know what a mouse is, this CRITTER was a wharf rat or something LARGER!!!  I just saw the behind and the tail, I froze, if I was drinking I would have said I blacked out, because I didn't know what to do and I didn't have anything to hit, smash or trap it with, UGH!!!!  I was freaking!!!  Then I couldn't find it, so I went to bed and tried to forget because I couldn't do anything.  I had both dogs on the bed with me, what a crappy night sleep.  So at 2:30 am, I see lights in my driveway through my window.  My driveway is off the main road, nobody should be here, once again I have nothing to smash anybody with, so I grab a utility knife and lie in bed,  praying they would go away, with me cell phone, ( praying that would work in the country)!!!  They go away, maybe the wrong address I think.  Next morning I call my friends dad who does real estate in the area, he gets me a critter man!!  I love the critter man, he was on the ball, came over quick (he was on his way to a concert), through down an trap and said I'll be back tomorrow.  Well, trap was empty.  In my mind I am pretending that I starved the "critter" and it moved on, critter man isn't so sure, but he's working on it~~

So the people that were in my driveway, they hit my mailbox and I guess that was better than my neighbors house that is on the main road.  It was funny, sort of, I asked the women if she heard something the night before and she said, "Yeah, I did, I saw a car go down your driveway, thought you were having a party".  I said, "NO, and if you ever see someone coming that late and it's not me, it's trouble!!"  Then she said, "probably just a drunk, they had a picnic last night!"

I kind of started to laugh, I thought, well maybe 14 months ago I would have been having a party at 2:30 am, and I know I would have been drunk.  For a minute I was a bit insulted she thought I was that kind of girl.  You know what, I'm not that kind of girl NOW.  I respect myself and others and know sobriety is for me.  Even though when I saw the critter I wished for a moment I was DRUNK so I could just say I was seeing things, LOL!!

I know I am not that kind of girl because people can trust me.  I think things may fall into place with the position I had wanted.  I was honest and told them what I need and what I will do for them, that I am committed and I am also the BEST qualified.  I talked more with them yesterday and this week we have to finalize things.  I am so happy to be moving forward, it will give me some ease.  Still waiting on the house stuff, prices and all, but the contractor was so nice and said he is going to try to work his best with me.  He said after meeting me he knows that if he needs me to help with some things to save money he knows I will.

This all wouldn't be happening if I didn't maintain my sobriety!!!  I am so thankful that I found a sponsor who walked through the steps, worked with me and taught me how to be honest and be the me I know I am and want to be!!

Hope your all doing well!!

Remember to always have graditude!

This is something I think I take for granted and I have to remember to always have graditude. I am living in a bit of fear right now, but I am trying to stay in the day. I am still waiting on something's to fall into place, but if they don't go as I need them to I have to adjust and move forward. I have to remember how lucky I am that my mother left me a little bit of money. Without it, I would still be stuck living with my husband! I am finding that I have more serenity now that I am alone. Isn't that funny, a drunk who felt so alone now LIKES to be alone, and not in an isolating way! I am taking care of my needs for once in my life! I am not sure if I've ever said this before, but I was married before. It waws awful! I mean he was (looking back and now knowing what I know) an alcoholic and a gambler. He stole from everyone and left me penniless. I had to start my life over because I "took care" of him. That is one of my patterns that was revealed to me in my 4th step. I am a care giver to a fault! Anyway, that's a whole big long story, but finally I am ok being alone and I'm trying to pick things back up. My husband has been contacting me, but only when he can't figure something out. He has already messed up the bills and bitched at me about things I have nothing to do with, but I am still free being so far away! I know if I was closer I would be right there to help him. Hopefully he is still getting the help he needs, I do want him to be happy.

Some really wonderful news! I found a nice group of women, people who work and live the program, and they ask me to go to an AA cookout at the one women's house. I am so excited! I feel like I will finally find some good support down here. I am very outgoing, but shy, weird I know! I hope I can just go with the flow and not be nervous!!

Hope eeryone is doing well, I have a lot to be thankful for and it's all because I am sober. If I wasn't nothing would be falling into place because I would be relying only on myself, not my HP!

I think they are adjusting just fine

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Jaycee Dugard is amazing!!! She has a beautiful spirit!! God Bless her and her family!!

Remember it could always be worse!!!

I went to a meeting last- night and this afternoon.  It was a few of the same people, but last-night there was a guy who came to his first meeting.  He was sad and trying to get his head around everything.  Today he spoke at the step meeting I went to.  I said he had a buisness, a wife and kids and all that is gone.  He lived in the woods in his truck for the last month.  OK, that was all he had to say, because I am feeling bad for myself because my dogs don't want to poop on command and the house I am is not quite up to par for me.  Granted I need to get a job and stuff, but I DID NOT have to live in the woods in a truck!!!

I need to grow up and come to terms with my reality!!  I live somewhere new, for now, it is only temporary.  I will find a job.  I WILL GET OVER MYSELF and not have a pity party for myself.  I need to put in the work, but just like my sobriety, I have to work it to make it!!!!

I went to my first meeting in town tonight.

I went to an 8:00 big book meeting tonight and I am glad! It was 3 minutes from my house. I met an older women who gave me her number and I am going to try to meet her on Thursday for another meeting. I liked what the people had to share and I hope I can continue to attend and find more meetings around here.

So I am getting settled into my little house. I am still trying to get organized. I am feeling grateful, but also I am not so happy in the house. I'm such a brat and I need to get over it and remember to be thankful for what I have. I am just so out of sorts and I feel irrupted and I am mad that I am put out like this. My dogs are making me crazy, the poor things. They were used to the invisable fence in our yard, able to run free and do there thing. Now i have to walk them around and they think I am playing. UGH!! I am nervous about my job prospects, I met with some people today and now I have to meet with the next set of people in management, but things need to redone there and we'll see what happens. I need to know things can work out. I'm still going to look around, but I really would love if this place work out.

My husband called yesterday and he was having a bad day. He said he knows now that he is really sick and it wasn't my fault. He said that with me in recovery and attending meetings, which he would attend with me, made him feel like i was getting better and he wasn't dealing with his issues. He felt left behind. The problem was he wasn't talking about his problems and he wouldn't open up. His problems go really deep and I think he just became overwhelmed and couldn't lock things away anymore. I think he may have had a weak moment, he said he missed me and that the house didn't feel right without me. But he can change in a second and I hope he continues seeing the therapists and maybe at some point we can still be friends or maybe even something more, but we are still moving forward with the divorce, but I think the more I move forward with things, the more I think he opens up, which I think is good for him. It helps him to bring it all up, he really needs to open the doors in his mind and let all the stuff he has been stuffing away come out.

I wish I could fast forward 3 months, I just want things to fall into place, I have to really focus on my HP. I need to turn it over, I know that, I just have to do it!!

On my new back deck with the dogs! We made it.

Moving day is here

Today is the day, ugh, I am dreading this. I go to my last morning meeting, come and get the dogs and I go. Not just for the weekend, forever. My life has to start over again. My boxes are stacked in a spare room, my car is packed to the roof & the roof is packed too!

I am so sad. I am heart broken. I know I have no control over this, but I pray that God steps in to help my husband. Even if we stay separate, I want him well. I want him to have a happy life, and right now he is in a deep pit of hate and anger. I hope he learns to take his power back.

Life can be funny. I know this is the way it is meant to be. I am sober and that is wonderful. I hope I move towards better things and I need to remember to keep sobriety 1st. If I don't do that it's all for nothing and I will have nothing and not a friend. Yesterday I thought about a drink. It's a long story, but my sister in law set me off. I told them what is going on and how sick my husband is, she emails me to tell me know she understands why I am not a good person lately and that I hurt my brothers feelings. WTF! I had such a resentment. I ran around and I w a liquor store and you know what, I thought about it! I thought, I am going to move back to that area with these animals, I need a drink! I actually sent her back an email, with the facts, and explained to her that she didn't have them all and she could show it to my brother. It's all the truth, evything she stated wS her opinion. I talked with my sponsor and she read what she wrote and what I wrote, it made me feel better to know I laid out the facts, I wasn't keeping a score card, but if you are going to attack me, y need the facts first. I know now that if they try to revistit this BS, I can say, I laid out the facts, I am done, if you have different facts, show them, otherwise we are at an impass. I have to keep sober and I need to not deal in resentments, I know they have their own stuff, but I am working my program so I have to do what I need to do, and I don't always have to play their game!

It's going to be a long few days! Please pray for me! I am scared and sad!