Wanting my life to start

This is how I have been feeling like since I moved from my house and left my husband.  I am grateful for so much, but I don't feel comfortable yet, I don't feel at home.  I am so fortunate to be building my cute little "box of possibilities", that's my nick name for my house.  But yesterday I realized that I am not anchored yet.  I am still working on an on call basis, which is great because I need every bit of money I can get.  I also don't want to be full time until I am in the house so I am organized.  I feel like I am just sleeping at this house I am renting, I don't feel comfortable, it's weird.  I love to read and I really don't like to read here.  On nice days I'll read on the deck, but I always read in bed or the couch back home, here, I just can't, it's weird.  The dogs and I chased down a mouse yesterday!!!  UGH, I screamed like a maniac!!  It was a BIG fat one!!  It was like a bad sitcom.  My big dogs, me screaming and the mouse running here and there trying to get away.  I actually, I don't know how I caught it under a deep pan and slid the pan on the floor to the porch door and somehow shoved both out!!  Needless to say the pan is still on the porch and will be thrown out, YUCK!!  PLEASE MR. FAT MOUSE STAY AWAY!!!  After finding the mouse, cleaning the floor and sanitizing anything I could think of, I realized why I'm not settled.  None of my things are around, I have everything in bins because I didn't want mice or anything in them.  I'm just not at home.  I miss the comfort of my things, my AA home group, the serenity I created for myself in my home even when my husband was creating ciaos.  That's what I miss.

 I had a family kind of weekend.  We went to this really great pumpkin patch on Saturday night, and yesterday we went to a park to carve them, it was really fun.  The kids loved playing at the park, I think all the dad's liked carving the pumpkins on their own, LOL!!   I realized something else yesterday.  I am not comfortable around my family.  Well, more my brother and his wife and her family.  They all brought beers with them and put them in their mugs yesterday and Saturday they had a cooler in the back of their car so they could relax when the kids get crazy.  I would have been happy to have had stuff in the cooler 18 months ago, but now I am not a part of that, and I think that was the only thing  I could connect to them on.  I went to a meeting last night and ran into a women who I have met before and she actually knows people I know. She's been in the program a long time, she's nice.  She asked how I was doing and I said not so good.  I had to stop and ask myself why.  I can totally handle it when my friends have drinks, I have no problem going to dinner and having a friend order something, or at their house.  I think I figured it out, I am connected to my friends, so I have more than alcohol to bond us.  I was and never have been connected to my brothers, it weird, but when I drank it was easier.  Now that I don't drink, not so much.  I had been reading a book on "soul groups" and not to get to deep, but I don't feel like my brothers are in my soul group.  How sad.  I never really connected it until I read a few books on this.  I do truly believe our souls come back to learn and help others, and in a way last night confirmed it for me.  I'm uncomfortable with my brothers because I don't feel a connection and the easiest way to make a connection was to drink, so I at least felt comfortable.  I think now if I remember this and pray on this it will help me a bit.

Hope you all have a great day, off to make sure they are moving along on my house!!  I need out of here!!!!

I am Blessed!!

So here is some of the progress!!  It is amazing how modulars go up!!  The bathrooms and kitchen are in, it's so weird!!  Still have tons to do, but I am so BLESSED!!  I am happy to be sober so I can appreciate it!  This would not be happening if I started to drink again.   I have and will go through some dark days, but being sober is what will keep me grounded.  I think today I am kind of sad because I don't have someone to share this with.  I don't think I am lonely, I think I wish I had a partner to lean on.  I have had to be strong for so long and sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and fall back and have someone waiting to support me.

Part One of The House!!

So today was a bit stressful.  The contractor, who is a procrastinator, didn't make sure there was enough room for the house and the crane.  Big scramble this morning, big stress on me.  It's so funny how you can see how poorly some people behave, I wanted to throw some AA materials at him(not that he is an alcoholic) so he could learn to take responsibility for HIS actions.  It sort of reminds me of my ex.  Always bitching about what he perceives as others doing him wrong!!  Today it was all him, and he tried to yell at someone and I called him on it, it was kind of funny, but I think he needed to be reminded.  Tomorrow the other part of the house will be delivered and the crane will be putting it on the foundation.  I am very excited but nervous.  I keep praying to my HP and I honestly can feel that he is present with me, but I really do need the support right now.  I know all this would not be possible if I was not sober!!!  Sobriety is everything and I know that.  If I was drinking I would just be a compete mess. I am so blessed, and I know that, I just have to keep remembering that. 

I am going to better meetings thank God and I met some people last night that spoke and they gave me some different ones to try.  The pieces will fall together, I just need to be patient.  Right now the meetings I am making are good and they are helping me, so I am very thankful for that!!

Hope your all doing well, keep your fingers crossed for me!!

It's been a while!!!

Well, the excavator is ready for the foundation which is coming on Tuesday.  Things are on track, thank God!!!  It has been so long since I wrote on the blog, not that I haven't been reading everyone's, they help me so much, EVERYDAY!!  I think I haven't written because I didn't want to put my fears out in the universe, you know if I don't dwell on my fears they have no real power.  I have been trying to stay positive about everything, and you know what it helps.  Funny thing is I stopped going to those meetings that were making me crazy.  I actually like one of the meetings, so I go to that on Sunday nights and now when I have free time I try new ones further from my house and to be honest it makes me happier.  The new meeting I went to this Monday meets everyday and has a day meeting and an evening meeting, so when I have a set schedule at work it will be better to at least make 4 a week.  I am still reading my Big Book, saying my affirmations and praying.  It DOES help!!  My work will most likely start full time on the 1st, UGH, and I need to try to be mostly moved in by then.  Isn't it funny, I have been sitting on my hands for the last few months with nothing really I could do, then it will all hit the fan at once, that's life!!!

My ex has been writing me some emails here and there.  He is still living as a victim, and a complainer, but I can see he is trying to be more up beat, but he is still so depressed.  He is sad, but I a not going to get to connected to the situation.  He pushed me away and threw me aside as if I meant nothing and that can be forgiven, but never forgotten.  He still needs so much help and I don't know if he will learn all he was meant to learn in this life.  He still plays such a victim, always able to put the blame on others all the time.  I pray for him so much, sometimes I even pray he gets well enough that we can have a long distance relationship, I know CRAZY ALCOHOLIC THINKING!!!  I just have to continue to move in a positive direction and keep myself on track. This next year I am sure will be filled with ups and downs, but I have to remember to be honest with myself about relationships and people.  I need to learn from the past, not be such a people pleaser and think about what is good for me too, and not fix everyone!!!

Hope you all have a great weekend, what a beautiful day today is!!!