Gratitude

I really think I felt the true meaning of gratitude.  It means to be truly thankful and grateful, and I am.

  I haven't blogged about my expericance going to see my homegroup yet. I got back late afternoon on Saturday and I think I needed it all to sink in.  I MISS THOSE PEOPLE!!!  OMG!!!  It was the thing I needed to relight the light inside me.  I have been so lonely without my AA people.  People that get me, people who understand me, people who can really talk the talk and walk the walk.  I know for sure I need to find a good group down here in Pa.  I wish I could bus my friends down and have them do a meeting with the people in this area, for me I feel like it would get them back on the AA track (this is purly my opionion, no offense to these people)!!  I feel like my group talks and lives in the solution to alcoholism, where the group down here wallows in the miseries of their lives.  They aren't open to talking about the solution, it's just about who hates their neighbor, who doesn't have a job, who this, who that.  Honestly I can do all that complaining at my own house, I want to go to a place and talk about the steps, how to work them honestly, how to avoid alcohol, how my life may be sucky sometimes but when you add alcohol it is UNMANAGABLE!!!  That's what I want.

Anyway, I was so happy that my sponsor from back home has a BB study on Thursday nights with some women I love so I went there, WOW, I felt so at home!!!  It was beautiful!!  Then I went to my Saturday morning meeting, I got there early to talk with my sponsor, and my friend Tom was there, he is like my guy sponsor.  He is like my dad, my dad would have been his age if he was alive.  It was so nice to get a hug from him and just to talk.  It's weird when I look into his eyes I see my dads sometimes, maybe hes speaking through Tom to me.  Anyway, what an amazing meeting!!  I love them and I felt rejuvinated!!

My soon to be ex took care of the dogs, it was hard to see him.  He didn't look well.  The house was not the same.  He was so happy to see the dogs and that made me happy.  I feel such heartache for him.  I feel like my spirit is so connected to him, but he isn't connected to his own spirit, if that makes sense.  I think he is still really confused about things, but I don't feel he is in a better place, I feel like he is a sad, confused soul.  I called to pick up the dogs on Saturday and he was still sleeping at 11:30.  I woke him out of a dead sleep.  That was my life.  I would do things in the morning, come back and he would still be sleeping.  I couldn't clean or make any noise, it was so awful.  Then he would wake up and mope around the house and finally shower.  By then it was early afternoon and he would be pissed that he had chores to do, and didn't have anytime to do what he wanted!!  That was my life and I don't want that back.  I wanted back the person that I got a glimpse of once in a while, the person I married, but that person I think is buried very deep inside him.  I pray for him, I still love him, but he hasn't really moved very far forward I think.

I have so much Gratitude for my friends that support me, for a meeting that makes me smile and fills my heart, and for all the gifts I have been given through my sobriety.

I hope you all have a beautiful holiday!!

House update soon, please pray I am in by the middle of next week, UGH!!!

Going Back "Home"

I have to go back to Boston today, I am so nervous.  I have 2 Dr. Appt.'s and I really can't put them off.  I will be staying with a friend, but I am going to see the soon to be ex.  He is going to watch the dogs for me.  I am holding my head above water, but I really can't afford to be boarding them the next few days if he can do it for free.  Also I really can't find a place like we used to go to in Boston and I would feel better knowing they are ok, hopefully ok with him.  He is very excited to see them, I am kind of sick about having to see him.  I still feel like things are finished.  I know they are, but I still think we have more to say.  I know his mental state is still not up to par and his mother has been a handful for him and his family.  I called him last week because I felt like he needed me, I know, so weird, it was like 2:15 in the afternoon.  Well, he was on his way to the hospital and they thought his mom was going to pass.  He was happy to talk me, he even messed up when he was hanging up and told me he loved me.  Such a weird thing.  Anyway, I know we have a connection, but he still has all his issues.  His sister said it best when she called me last week, he needs to be alone and miserable to realize he is the problem.  It is true.  Whatever happens I will always be his friend, I do care, I just sometimes wonder if I am feeling compassion or pity for him.  I have forgiven him for all he has said and done and I hope someday he truly lets go of all his anger towards me, then maybe he will be at peace with himself.

On a brighter note, I will be staying with a "normal" friend, but I will be seeing some of my sober friends!!!!!  I am going to go to the Saturday morning meeting I love!!  I may even see some of them Thursday night, but I also have plans with another friend.   I miss them so much, I think this will be the hardest part.  I am at home with my sober friends up there, but at home I guess here too.  I'll find a balance at some point I am sure!!

Have a great day, getting ready to go now!!

I got so sick last night

OMG, I got so sick and I don't know why.  I went to an event my friend was running last night, we were to sample the food and have a tour of a the place.  It's a ski area and they are trying to encourage it's growth.  I was so happy to go because #1 Free food, #2 Do something different.


Her husband picked me up and we went together.  I left my car at my new house so I could check on the workers.  I was so excited to meet new people and get out of my head and all the things that were going on. They had TONS of alcohol.  TONS!!!  It was so ironic because I wanted a diet coke and the bartender said I had to go to a different area because all he had was ALCOHOL!!!  It was fine, everyone was teasing me that I would be the DD for them.  I was hanging w/ my besties parents and husband.  We had the presentation and then they had food stations.  I was totally fine.  We left at about 10:30, it was a long night but my friend did such a great job I didn't realize how long the event was.  I went home with her and she was going to drop me off at my car.  As we were driving home I felt sick to my stomach.  I started to get clammy and then I started to shake. It was crazy.  I didn't want to make a big deal but then I touched her arm and said I'm not feeling great.  She looked at me and knew it was bad.  We got back to my car.  In front of my NEW house I threw up!!!  ALL OVER THE STREET, and worst part I was SOBER, LOL!!  I think I may have gotten some food poisoning, I don't know, but thank God I wasn't drinking.  If I was still drinking my friend would probably thought I was a ass for getting sick.  But I was sick because I was sick, not because of alcohol.  I know that is stupid.  Everyone knows I'm sober now.  I think her husband isn't sure what to make of it.  It's funny, he found a sage smugging thing in my car (I smugged my property before they removed the trees)  He was like what are you a witch or something?  Then he found AA big book on my itunes.  I know he saw it, so I think he doesn't know what to make of me.

Anyway, feeling better today but I guess it is sobering to see when I was drinking throwing up was normal, now throwing up is NOT.  My friend called me this morning to see how I was, she really was nervous, it was nice to know that she cared.  If I was acting like a drunk (by drinking) and throwing up I don't think she would have called.  I would have been the one calling her, to apologise. 

Happy to be Sober today!!

Feeling sick

My Soon to be ex just brought a truck of my things to me and was leaving them at a parking lot by my friends business.  Her mother just happened to drive by and he was just pulling in.  I am sick to my stomach, this is so weird.  I have so much craziness in my life and uncertainty.  Some days I feel so defeated, others I am happy.  I am not sure how I will feel today.  My friend and her husband are going to help me unload everything.  So we will see how I feel later.  I know a drink will not make it feel better, it would only make it all so much worse!!