Halloween wedding tonight!!

Getting ready for our Halloween wedding. My husband is going as a gangster & I'm going as a flapper!! Should be fun, wedding at midnight, hope I can last that long!!!

Rehearsal dinner tonight

Here we go, moms still here. Got some good news sort of yesterday. Rehearsal dinner for my husband's nephew. Wedding this Saturday, his marrying them, costume wedding. God keep me sober, thank you!!

6 Months Today!!!

WOW, I am so thankful to be sober today!!  6 months ago it was April 26th and I never thought things would be like they are now.  Everyday is a blessing.  I wake up and I am sober, no remorse in my thoughts and no making up for what I may have done or said!!!  My marriage was very rocky and I wasn't sure how it was going to end, and now I have to say I feel an even stronger connection to my husband now then when we first got married.  We can REALLY talk about anything now.  He is working hard on his issues and I am working on mine and together we try to meet each other in the middle.  I have so much to learn but the most important thing was finding my meetings & getting my amazing sponsor.  I know my problems aren't anything out of the ordinary, but sometimes they feel so intense to me. I know when I am getting that way I just need to sit, try to understand my feelings and call someone if I am still upset or not in control.  Alcohol never made anything better, all my problems were still there at the end of the bottle.  Alcohol actually compounded my problem because I had to cover up everything to look "perfect".  Well today I am not so "perfect" and I am happier.  I look around at my house, my husband, family, friends, my doggies & I know I want to be in the moment, I want to be totally PRESENT!!

The last 6 months have been hard.  My Aunt is on her way to God, my uncle died, my friends partner is dying, my mothers cancer is out of control.  BUT I STAYED SOBER!!!  Today I have to remember that I am blessed.  My mother is coming to stay with me to see a specialist in Boston today.  I have to remember to be patient, understanding and supportive.  The best gift I can give others & myself is the gift of sobriety.  I am someone people can count on and that really does help to keep me sober and happy.

Thanks to everyone who supports me and who shares their personal stories on line.  Sometimes just reading them keeps me in a sober frame of mind.  Some stories are about recovery, some about relapse, but they are all stories of strength!!  You all keep me going!

From Starbucks...Thanking God!

I am studying at Starbucks today.  I was a total bitch yesterday & my husband was a doll to me.  He is working on his depression & ADD issues and putting in a lot of effort.  Yesterday he was trying so hard to please me and I was just grumpy!!!  We went to the laundry mat to wash a bunch of our comforters for the winter and also wash the dogs stuff.  I have decided it is better to go there with my stuff because it takes so long to wash that stuff and then sterilize the washer after.  Well, hubby just wasn't moving or thinking fast enough for me.  Why may you ask do you think you need to move fast or think fast at a laundry mat, BECAUSE that is what I WANTED!!!  I wanted him to jump in a load the things up the way I wanted them loaded. I know, I'm a crazy control freak pain in the ass!!!!  Anyway he tolerated me and we got it all done and went home where he was continuing the work I asked him to do in preparation for my mother coming this week.  Sounds funny, but I had a bad feeling about my washer yesterday, I don't know why, it is still good as new, but I kept thinking that water was going to be on the floor in the laundry room, I didn't know why......UNTIL last night hubby was doing some laundry and the floor in the laundry room was flooded.  I was upstair, I actually feel asleep while reading and he came up in a fit!!!!  I stayed in bed for a minute thought about it and said, GOD please help me to not freak on him.  He put up with me all day!!!  I felt like I had to go fix things, I went down and he was so frustrated and he asked me to go upstairs and he will figure it out.  I checked the water pipe thing that goes out and it wasn't wet, so I think he just didn't close the door, or he had to much crap in it and it popped open.  So I went upstairs and I said again, GOD please just help him to not be upset or frustrated and allow him to just chill, I will not bother him, I will let him figure this out.

Well, I fell back to sleep and this last night when he jumped into bed I asked him what he thought, And he said he "tested" it and it must have been a fluke, he couldn't understand why it leaked but it was fine now.  (To myself I just chuckled and said thank you GOD!!!!)

Back to Biology, YUCK!!!

Moving along

Well things are moving along.  I am right in the middle right now.  My feelings are a bit numb, not in a bad way, just not really there. I am anticipating the next week or so will be hard.  My mother is coming to Boston to see a specialist because of her cancer.  I have to focus and stay strong but I am pretty pissed at her for not coming up here 1 1/2 ago!!!  Can't change the past, I can only try to make the future better and be present for her.

Got the taxes done~

No not 2010's, 2009!  I had to file an extension because it was at the end of my drinking, I didn't enter AA until the 26th of April.  I was full on crazy drinking when the taxes were due.  I am thankful to have it done~!  I was dreading it because it was definitely something I put off and it was BECAUSE of my drinking!  I think some of it was that I didn't want to see how many times I went to the liquor store and how much I spent!!  This year will be easier though, the first part of 2010, I payed with cash.  I wised up.  Actually I didn't want my husband to know that I was spending about $23.00 on Absolute vodka everyday! I also couldn't justify the fact that I was the only one having lunch at Chili's on my day off and it was almost $50, because of all the grey goose on the rocks~!~~

I am glad that is over, I can look at it as a stepping stone towards being honest and in the moment SOBER. When I was drinking I was a perfectionist who would sometimes put things off because I wanted to blame others, but I really should have looked at the full glass of vodka sitting next to me!!!  Now, if I put things off it is because I need to, not because I am avoiding it.  Things still have to get done, but I don't have a reason to beat myself up over.

This is the first year I am sending in our taxes with a "sort of smile"!

4100 hours sober!

Wow, almost 6 months. I am so thankful. I know things are up and down, but I'm glad I'm sober. I have to always remember that I never want to feel hung over again!!

Told 2 of our friends last night that I'm an alkie, they didn't even blink. I  them!!

Big test today, my head isn't in it. I just pray I do well. Life really comes at you hard sometimes.

Sometimes even if someone is present, you can still feel alone.

Sad and I can't sleep

I just found out tonight that my Uncle has passed.  He was just placed in hospice Wed.  I talked with my cousin and I'm glad he went peacefully.  He was so kind, loving, giving and thoughtful.  He has 2 beautiful grandchildren that only knew him for a short time.  I feel consumed by cancer and the impending deaths of my family members that are inflicted.  I know I have to stay positive, but my ass is getting kicked.  I am going home to Pa. on Saturday, the funeral will be Monday or Tuesday.  my cousin was heart broken when she called me tonight.  I know that pain, having lost my father at a young age.  I think she had even more pain in her voice because she knew her boys would miss out on really knowing their amazing grandpa!!  I have to stay sober, I am thankful that my husband can come with me, I will need his strength.  I am sick.  I am pissed at myself  because one of my thoughts was, oh shit, this doesn't work for me, I have a Biology test on Monday and a paper due on Tuesday.  WTF!!!  How selfish!!!  My uncle is gone and I am thinking of myself!  I really do wish I could drown it all with a drink, but I know that will bring me only deeper into hell!!!  I jumped off the elevator a few floors before it crashed, I can't finish that journey.  I know drinking is just a thought, I just have to push it out and remember that I can be more helpful to others sober.