Mom passed away tonight

It has been a long week and she fought a hard battle, but she passed tonight.  I am still sober, trying to keep it together, things will never be the same.  Life is so short.  We shouldn't waste a minute.

My life is changing as I write this.

I have been up since yesterday morning, but I'm not even tired.  I am sitting here with my mother.  We have taken her home and Hospice has been here and showed me how to administer her meds.  I am taking time off of work, withdrawing from classes and staying here to help my mom.  I know I would never be able to do this sober.  If I was still drinking I would be drunk and not be able to stay up to watch her and keep her comfortable.  I really still think I am in shock, she is not fully with it, although she is being very combative about taking her meds. I think she knows what is happening, but can't process it correctly in her brain, and I think she thinks the meds will end her life sooner.  I have been praying and I am so thankful that my HP helped me, she needed pain meds and she wouldn't let the nurse give it to her, but when the nurse left and it was time for me to do it, she did, thank GOD!!  She was telling me to go home, I'm fine. 


It's just so sad to see, but I'm glad I am here for her.

9 Months today

I have been sober for 9 months& these last few days have been the hardest. My mother is dying and all I want is relief!!! I want the stress & sadness to vanish. I thought of a drink today just because an escape would have been nice.

We have to tell my mom tomorrow that she has no more options, hospice is the next step. I'm just not sure she will understand. At this point she has so many things going wrong, I just hope she finds peace. This is so hard, I think I'm in shock. I just have to pray and ask for strength.

Mom is stable, but still in ICU

She is still weak.  I think the worst part is when I got to the hospital last night, I starting getting sick.  I got back to my mom's by 2:30 a.m. and started to vomit and everything else soon after. UGH!!

I couldn't go to the hospital today because I had the stomach bug, but I have to give props to my hubby, he went for me.  He has been there since 8:30.  I have to say, today he is a ROCKSTAR!!

Sometimes they do "get it"!!

Thanks for the well wishes!!  Mom needs them!!

Mom

Mom is in ICU, I just left yesterday. She wasn't great, but we thought she was slowly getting better. I guess not. We should get in by 1am. I think I'm freaking out, I'm kind of not emotional at all. I think I know I have to be prepared and ready for whatever I can do. I'm scared. Drinking made stuff like this fade away & back into the background. Now I'm sober and it's right in my face. I just keep praying that I will be a help & be a comfort.

New Day, I'm ready

It's a new day and as I cried myself to sleep I just reflected on my day.  I got up at 4:30 in the a.m. to drive 5 hours, be ordered around, bitched at and made to feel guilty by everyone yesterday, whether they knew it or not.  

On the bright side, I called a friend that I never get to spend time with when I am home visiting, we met up for chicken wings, YES chicken wings.  I swear, home is the only place where they can make those nasty fat filled things taste GREAT!!!  Anyway, she has an alcoholic husband, who has not found AA, but has lost his job and compromised his family many times because of his drinking.  Anyway we were getting caught up and we were talking about her sister, who they had an intervention with!!!  She said, my sister is an alcoholic.  I said, ME TOO!!!!  It was funny because she never knew, but she did say I called her once and she thought I was loaded, this was right before I got sober.  It was a little embarrassing, but she didn't say it to embarrass me, she said it to validate that I was loaded, and drunk dialing!!!

We talked a lot about her sister, and it was funny, she asked me a lot of questions, so she could be helpful to her sister. I thought it was so nice (this is why she is one of my best friends!!) of her to try so hard to see why her sister suffered the way she did, and what could have triggered her, or even just explain her lying and her alcoholic behavior.  It was so nice to just be able to talk to a friend!!  I also think I helped her feel better about a few things.  

Then I come home to my mothers and my husband is calling me from back home in a mood.  I just was not interested in his drama, isn't it funny, HIS DRAMA!!!  He has depression and ADD.  It is such a struggle sometimes.  He wants to go on and on about things he can't change or whatever and I just get so sick of hearing it sometimes.  Sometimes  I feel "he could suck the happiness out of a puppy"!!!  Other times, he is so kind.  I am trying to understand him, I can't let it effect me, but it is SO hard sometimes, I just want RELIEF!!!  I want to complain.  Sometimes if I am talking about something that is bothering me, he turns it around to something about him, but just a little bigger and worse, LOL!! (me)  Hi honey, my back is a little sore tonight, (him) Oh really, well my back & leg are killing me .......Blahhhhhhh... me....... me........me........UGH!!  STOP!!!  

Anyway, I am going to be more positive today, have a good day!!!

My husbands depression is crippling me. I am dealing with so much and I'm losing footing. I wonder if he'll ever be happy. I feel like if he isn't, I'll never be able to be fully happy. I'm so lost right now. It's so hard to do this sober.

Taking Deep Breathes, Praying that my HP surrounds me this weekend!!!

CANCER SUCKS!!!  Mom is having a hard time, her chemo is filling her lungs with fluid, causing pain, you name it!!  Got up this morning and drove to Pa, hopefully I will be a help this weekend!!

My crazy cousin still has not called my Aunt like she promised to help with my other Aunt in NY at the hotel.  I just have to bite my tongue and pray!!!!!

It's in your hands God, Just please make it work out the way I want it, LOL!!!!!

Have a good day everyone!!!  Happy to be Sober, but it's weird, I have to re-learn how to deal and communicate with others.  When your drunk you just don't care, when your sober you have to see both sides!

Spoke at a meeting tonight...

Spoke at a meeting tonight......it was AMAZING!!  I was nervous, I was doing a commitment with my sponsor and another one of the girls she works with.  She has 4 years, my sponsor has 22 years, so their was a lot of sobriety in the car on the way to the meeting.  We were going to a "hard core" city, a little different then our meetings, but this is the meeting that my sponsor got sober at.  I was so nervous!!!  I only spoke 1 other time before so I was not fully comfortable and I was worried that nobody at this meeting would identify with me.  Well, they did and it was great.  It is so nice to share your story with others.  It doesn't matter who you are, where you are, when you go to an AA meeting, we are all equal.  We are all Alcoholics, looking for a way to stay sober and help one another!!!  Sometimes you have to be reminded of it.  All I can say is when I was speaking I could see that people understood me, they got me, they knew I felt pain and that I was so thankful to be sober.  (It also helped that my sponsor is a "rockstar" and everyone loves her!!)  They were so happy to see her and welcomed us to their meeting.  I would go back at some point, it was great!

What a wonderful experience.  I am enjoying all the different experiences, people and opportunities that my sobriety and AA has brought to me.  I always had people around me, but I never felt I was 100% in.  In the Fellowship of AA I feel 150% in, I fell like so many things have opened up to me, because I invited my HP in, it's great!!  I'm very thankful today!!

My Thoughts will not stop, this is when I would drink!!

The "committee" in my head is going on full force tonight.   This is a huge trigger for me, I want to feel safe and taken care of and I hate conflict & sadness!!   I got some news tonight about my sick aunt & my mom.  Mom  is really short of breath and having a hard time getting around.  The last time this happened she ending up having a clot, which is an affect of the chemo.  I am really worried about her.  i am going home on Friday to help her for a few days.  I just hope she feels better soon!

My "healthy" aunt, not really but she doesn't have cancer, so well take healthy!!  My healthy aunt is having a hard time with my sick aunt.  1st. of all my cousins are really despicable, one came up for a 2 days at Christmas and went back early, the other never even came, even when she promised.  She was supposed to bring up her kids for my Aunt to see and of course she was to busy, then this weekend (she doesn't have her kids, she cheated on her husband) she doesn't have the kids & was still supposed to go to see her, well, she didn't.  "Oh, I think I am afraid their may be some snow flurries", really, NOTHING happened in Pa.  it's only 3 hours from you, UGHH!!! She SUCKS!!!

Anyway, "healthy aunt" is having a hard time, she works full time as a nurse, has my aunt at her home and checks in on my mom.  She is stressed to the max and it is taking it's toll on her!!  So she told me today that my aunt wants to go to NY for the weekend for her granddaughters 4th birthday party.  I get that she wants to see the kids, TOTALLY, but her kids need to help my aunt & they will not!!  My Aunt has to take her down (because she knows she is dying and wants her to be happy) they have to stay at a hotel, and my Aunt has to be her nurse 24/7 the whole time they are gone.  I just think it is a lot.  My "sick aunt" is also paralyzed, so it is hard to get her around and it's just a disaster!!

I asked her if she wanted me to call the ungrateful pieces of crap, but she said it wouldn't matter, they just want her to keep writing them checks!!!   I Could tell that she wanted help, so I said I would calmly call them on today and explain that my Aunt is taking her down and they need to be responsible for her for the weekend.   my Uncle lives out in NY and she can hang with him, I think she needs time to decompress, I don't even think she should drive her, I think she needs to sleep, but my cousins are not stepping up and my Aunt loves my sick aunt and she wants her happy.

I am just so MAD.  I keep praying and I think by the time I have to call them and lay it out for them, God will guide me, and I pray he helps me to hold my tongue!!!

I can't wait to go to my 8:30 meeting!!

God placed me in the right seat.

My day started out like it always does, running around the house trying to get things done before I had to go to work.  I had a crazy busy day at work, clients one right after the other! I didn't get done until 8:30 and I knew I could go to my 8:30 meeting I would just be late. I felt like I had to go, I needed to be there, I was jazzed up from work and felt jumpy.  Normally before I became sober I would be line it to a bar and have a few, telling my husband I was getting us take out.  Now I don't have that option and I needed a meeting.

I ran in the meeting 15 minutes late, but it's until 10, so that's alright.  I did miss the speaker, but people were talking about  some great topics.  A lot of Fear based things.  It was nice to hear people so open.  It's a young peoples meeting, sometimes they drive me crazy, the kids get into arguments with each other, lots of ego, but last night it was nice to hear everyone.  When I ran into the meeting late I just popped in a seat and didn't even look around, I was embarrassed.  Then I felt a tap on my shoulder.  It was a women from my other meetings, I love her.  She didn't look good, see looked sad, and jumpy.  The break came and I spun around, 1st thing out of her mouth was, are you o.k?  I said sure, what's up with you?  This women had lost her son to suicide last March & she has been having a really hard time.  She is still sober, but her 2 other children smoke pot and she can smell it on them and it makes her crazy because they get relief and she doesn't.  She has been getting things from the police and she just go some more stuff this week, some journals of his. My heart breaks for her.  We talked a bit, we hugged, then she went for a smoke.  Another Regular who has 27 years, I love him, he reminds me of my dad, came over to me, asked how I was, I said fine, then he said how is Jane?  Not so good.  I told him I felt bad because I can't help her I can only listen, I have no point of referrance for what she is going through and I couldn't even speaculate how it must feel.  He made me feel so good.  He said the best gift I gave to her was to listen to her and not judge or give advise, just be an ear so she doesn't go to booze!!!

When the meeting was over Jane and I held hands and said the  Our Father, hugged and as she left she said, thanks for listening, it helped me, I really wanted to drink tonight!!

Isn't it funny that the 2 "old timers" asked me how I was first??? Even when Jane was hurting, she thought of me, people are so wonderful and kind in this program!!

I was meant to go to that meeting, even if I was late.  I was meant to sit right in front of her, a room of about 100 and I was PLACED in that seat.  I was of service to someone last night and I was thankful that God helped me to keep my mouth shut & my ears open!!!!

Every time I see Jane, I always remember WE DON"T DRINK NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!  She is an inspiration!!!

Snow Day.....was always a big trigger.

Snow days were a day for me to drink and just pass out.  I would get frustrated with my husband because he never wanted me to help outside, I think it was because he was always wrestling with the snowblower!!  I would hear him from outside, screaming, cursing, whining!!  It would make me cringe and I would think it was time for another drink.

How to prepare for a snowstorm when your an ACTIVE alcoholic!!

• You need to make sure you have lots of alcohol.  Instead of running to the grocery store like all the other wackos, the alcoholic runs like hell to the liquor store!!
• You need to hide your stash so it will not be found.  Storms make you wear and do unusual things, so regular hiding places for your booze will not work, you need to think smart and change up your hiding place, you don't want someone looking for gloves or scarves and find you alcohol!
• Make sure you can think of something good to fight about so your husband will leave you alone when you are trying to really get tanked.  When you are both stuck in on a snow day, you will become overwhelmed and need your own space. 
• Make sure you drink enough so that when you pass you don't wake up until at least 5 in the morning.  This way you can get up and clean the mess you made and not have to deal with anyone!!
• If you have any alcohol left in the morning, drink up it will help with your hangover!!
• The most important thing, remember where you put you alcohol!!!!  A drunk without booze on a snow day is not so happy!!!!
  Now please know I am joking, although, that is pretty much what I did every time it was going to snow, and pretty much every night when I would drink.  What a waste!!

 Now as an alcoholic who has a little over 8 months sober, what do i do on a snow day?

• I pray and I am thankful to be waking up to another day.  I ask my HP to help me stay away from alcohol today.  
• I figure out what I need to do today to stay away form a drink.  
• I know today is a snow day & we have no alcohol in the house.  That makes me feel safe.
• I have asked a clients husband to plow out our driveway when he has time, this will help my husband to not lose his mind trying to snow blow it.  He can just work on the front walkway and the path we have to make for the dogs in the back.  This little thing will help me not to get upset because he can't complain and he could always SHOVEL!!  Or let me help, so if he gets upset, it's his PROBLEM NOT MINE!!
• I know I have to put in time for my "remedial" math class that I am taking online, so that will take up a few hours.
• I can clean the hall closet and do laundry if I have extra time
• I could read a book
• I could take a nap
• I could call my sponsor. 

 How did I prepare for this snow day?
 I went to a meeting last night and said I am nervous about my snow day!!!  Getting it out makes it so much better!!!

Have a great day, Boston is getting dumped on so I may be posting a lot today, but you know what, it keeps me away from a drink!!

Psychic Medium John Holland:  You can be someones light & guide them - but you're not always meant to be their savior.

 

I love this, it is so true.  I am not sure if this is his quote or a quote from someone else, but it is beautiful!

Obsessing

Running around to meetings.  I am obsessing and I'm freaked out!! 

It's funny how when someone complements your sobriety, you then start thinking of a drink!!

Found a bottle of Vodka the othe day

I was at work and cleaning out a room that I keep all my supplies in.  I was thinking it was a great time to get that room empty and consolidate somethings.  The man who I started working for last year, who I was renting from the year before allowed me to keep the room.  Well, it was about time to clean and get rid of extra crap that I think everyone has somewhere.  I knew I hadn't really touch some of the things since I became sober so I had a twinge of nervousness.

What if I found something from my past

What if it was full?

What would I do???

I thought of all these things ahead of time and I am thankful I did.  I found a bottle of wine, it was corked with a plastic bottle top you put in.  I was so grossed out with myself.  It was easy, just toss it.  The I went into a suitcase that I keep supplies in, also at the time of my drinking I would put bottles in there until no one was around and I could throw it in the dumpster.  This suitcase scared me to death!!

I opened it and I found a bottle of VODKA!!  My heart dropped, because I thought I had cleared a lot of that crap out of my life.  I went through closets at my house, drawers, shoes, cabinets, laundry room!!  You name it, I just wanted to find it and have it gone.  I never did it at work.  I think I honestly thought it was all gone, but I wasn't sure.  Maybe I had to feel strong enough, because I was going to be doing it with nobody around.

Well, I found that bottle and thank God it was empty.  Isn't that sad, I was such a drunk that I drank every drop of every bottle.  It was good though, I just chucked it and I called my sponsor and left her a message, then I called my husband and told him.  He said he was sorry and asked if he wanted me to have him clean out the rest of the room.  (Maybe I should find empty bottles more often, he never wants to clean, LOL!)  I told him it was ok, I just wanted someone to know.

I love cleaning, not really, but I love when it is done and you can look at things differently. Everything has a place and put in it.  Maybe I needed to clean that space at work so I can begin to look forward to working less and doing more schooling so i can have a new career someday!!

I am glad that it was empty, but if it was full I know I would have done the same thing, before I started to clean the room I said a quick prayer, to help me throw out what needs to go, God was with me and so was my sponsor's answering machine, and the hubby.  

Hoping for a great day!!

Happy Birthday & Anniversary to ME!!!!!!

Happy Birthday & Anniversary to ME!!!!!!

It’s all about me today!!!  Well, isn’t it always????  One of the main characteristics of an alcoholic is self-centeredness, or at least mine!!!!  Anyway, today is about me!!!   I am going to be HAPPY!!! I am not going to let the rainy crappy weather, my crazy family or the fact that the hubby left me without gas in my car & I almost didn’t make it to the meeting this morning bring me down! I forgot my wallet in another purse and I only had $10, well my car said 5 miles to empty and when I put my $10 in the tank the notification didn’t even change, I still had 5 miles to empty, LOL!!!  I had my 8:30 beginners meeting, LOVE THIS MEETING!!!  Then I had the 10 meeting after, so I called the hubby, who was still sleeping and told him my dilemma, funny thing is he knew he was SO BAD for not filling the car when he had it that he would have done anything to not have me be upset, but I wasn’t.  I just said, my meeting is over at 11, please meet me at the parking lot and follow me to the gas station with some money, and you can pump my gas!!!  If I were drinking, I would have lost MY MIND!!!!  I actually got a little bit of pleasure out of making him come to help me, LOL!!!  I could have just borrowed some money from someone else, but it was more fun to see him squirm, HAAAAAAAA!!!!  I am allowed the simple pleasures, right??? 

So today is my 37^th Birthday, I am so thankful to be sober and able to enjoy this day.  I am really blessed, and I know life sucks sometimes, but I have what I need for today and I have my sobriety.  Would I want to be prettier, thinner, richer….HELL YA!!!  Not an alcoholic????.............I ‘m not sure. I feel like I am learning so much from my involvement with AA, my sponsor, my fellow AA friends, all my sober-online friends.  I am learning how to become a better wife, daughter, friend & HUMANBEING!!!   I may not get it right all the time, but when I am wrong I know it, and I try to acknowledge my part in the situation.  I am learning how to live life on life’s terms, how God wants me to live!!  I am learning how to do all of this SOBER!!

Today is also my 5-year wedding Anniversary.  I’ll be honest with you, on April 26^th 2010, if you asked me if I would still be married I would say I’m not really sure.  Today I am 100% sure that I am married and SO thankful!!  I have a super supportive husband, who understands that I am an alcoholic!!  Sobriety has given me a completely new marriage & relationship with my husband.  A new relationship that is built on the foundation I found in my AA program. 

  I am NOT a perfect wife, and he is NOT a perfect husband, but we are imperfectly perfect for each other!!! 

I may sound like I am on a pink cloud...... maybe I am!!  But today I am loving that I am soaring above all the other junk in my life.  I am riding a pink cloud of love and gratitude, and I am truly happy today, maybe even tickled PINK!!!  

I hope if someone is having a bad day they can look and see that sometimes the bad days can lead into great ones!!