10 Months Today

Yeah!!  I made it to 10 months, (put your hands in the air, put your hands in the air!).

I am getting my chip this morning.  I came home for the weekend so I could receive it at my regular meeting.  I am almost done taking care of things at my mom's.  It is so sad, I know I still haven't processed it yet.  I'm still in "get it done mode".  I know it is going to be hard to come back and get my life together.  I know I have to plan how I want to proceed with my own life. I think losing mom has really made me realize that you do ONLY get 1 chance.  I want my life to mean something, even if not to anyone else, just me.  I am so thankful I am sober today!!  My HP has really been by my side and I am so thankful.  When you pray and ask for what you need, unselfishly, you usually receive what you need.  (may not be what you wanted, but it was what you needed!!)

Hope you all have a great day!!

Changes and thinking of a drink

Lots of things are changing for me right now.  I feel like I am an "old" person.  I feel so responsible for everything right now.  I guess it is because I am.  I know I'm married, have a house, a life, etc....... but I think I feel different because now I don't have any parents left and I am now really an adult, really on my own.  No one now has to think I am special.  Parents think all their kids are special, it's kind of an unspoken thing.  You can always go home and feel just a little bit like a kid.  I guess I am facing the fact I don't have that anymore.  I have no "home" to go too.

My husband asked me the other day, where will we stay when you sell your mom's house?  i got really upset, I don't know!!!  I have 2 nephews up here and almost all my family and life long friends.  We could stay with anyone I guess, but we have 2 dogs and that is just a whole different thing.  We also like our own privacy.  I just don't know, and I know I don't have to worry about it right now, but I think of it here and there.  My mom always welcomed us, even though she HATED dogs.  The funny thing is though, she ended up loving my 2.  They were so cute with her.  My male would lay at her feet and keep them warm for her.  The one night I saw him snuggling up to her feet and I told him to move and she said no, he is fine, he's keeping my feet warm, I laughed so hard!!!

I was getting a bit stressed today and I thought, just a shot of vodka would make it better, I thought it for a second......that scared me!!  My husband was in the shower and he was thinking of going back home today, I am glad he stayed.  I know there is alcohol in the cabinet, I may have him take it home with him, or get rid of it.  I know some people drink it when they come over, but I have been having quick, thoughts go through my mind the last few days.  It doesn't help that I haven't been to any meetings in over a week.  I need to keep taking care of my alcoholism!!!  I can't let that animal take over again.  It knows when your weak, I am weak and scared and sad......it's been waiting and I have to remember that!!!

Stressed but still sober

Stress is such a huge trigger.  I just want things to go away.  They DON'T!!  I am starting to go through my mothers house.  Trying to organize, and make sure my brothers take what they want, while my mom's friends can come and take special things.  My older brother, the very selfish one, is a real dick-head!!!  I am so sick of his shit, he is VERY concerned about what we can gain financially, but not concerned about anything else, unless it is for HIM!!  I am on the shit list today because I couldn't watch his kids for an hour (while he went to the gym).  I was busy with some of mom's friends and dealing with the lawyer.  UGH!!!! 

My husband is in town with the dogs, I am so happy, I need some support.

Hope you all have a great day, I hear it's a full moon, OH BOY~

7,004 hours sober!! Thank you all for your support!

Trying to keep myself in check

Things have been so busy.  I am still back in Pa. taking care of my mother's house and all her affairs.  She started working with a fiance guy.  He is a huge mess up!!!  He has me going crazy. 

I am trying to attend meetings.  It is scary to be in the house alone, alone with my thoughts!!!

I have been so stressed today and I couldn't imagine going through this while I was drinking, but drinking sounds like an ESCAPE!!!  I know I can't, but I just want an escape.  I have to let go, all the things that happened today, all the mess ups, all the stress.  I have to let it go and believe GOD will guide me.  PLEASE GOD GUIDE ME!! It will get better.  I know it will, I just want the stress to melt away!!

WHYYYYYYYY Today!!

Why does everything have to just get so *@#@$ up???  I handled all the funeral stuff, it all starts tomorrow, I just wanted to relax and then my Aunt said she wanted her husband to read something at the funeral that she and my other aunt wrote.  WTF!!!!  Mom hates!!!!  him!!!!!  I gotta figure this whole thing out.  Everyone is going to be here at about 5 and I haven't showered because I cleaned and did a millions things, oh.... and the shower head is _ucked up!!!!  WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHYYYYYY!!  My husband took a nice long relaxing shower, but I go to take one and the water flies all over.  He is so clueless, I am sure it was doing it for him but he is so lazy and in his own world that he didn't think anything of it~!~!  I have been obsessing about a drink all day.  I was running around and I parked right in front of a liquor store by accident and I looked at it and thought, who would know????  That scares me, I am so frustrated. 

Now he is back, let's see if I can get a damn shower before everyone invades mom's house and makes me even more insane.

Oh, did i mention that they are all drinking like ALCOHOLICS!!! UGHHHHHH!!!  Please pray for me, I think I am starting to crack!!!!