I am moving on Saturday and I am a bit stressed. I need to make my lists and get things done. It is so hard with my husband putting his thoughts in on everything. I really see how self centered he is. All he does is complain about things he will have to do when I am gone. He doesn't even get it that I am the one leaving everything!! I am the one changing my life!!! When I say something to him, he says, well your the alcoholic, I don't love you because you were a drunk!! How quickly he forgets his part in our marriage. It's so crazy, but if that how he has to be, fine!!! I can't defend myself, it doesn't matter, he knows only his truth!! If that makes him feel better. I can't keep score.
Last night was my Tuesday night meeting with all my friends. I love them all. I walked in and my friend Christine, who will have 28 years this weekend asked me to share. It was wonderful to share and say good bye and thank you to everyone!!! I love these people. They have helped me so much, I will always love them and be grateful to them!! It felt good to share because their were 4 new people that I have been talking with over the last 2 weeks and they came to this meeting, so I really wanted to the share with them the blessings I have received from AA and my HP. I know I am going through a lot, but I also have been given so much, I have been given the strength to get through this!!! It was a beautiful night and I will hold on to it for a while. People spoke of similar situations and a man who never shares shared and said he really connected with my story. He talked about what he was going through and reached out for help form the other people in the group. He has 12 years, but he is in a bad place and needed to be connected to more people, it was so nice to hear him share.
I hope everyone is doing well and staying strong. We are the only ones responsible for our sobriety!!! I must always hold on to that. I got my self drunk, I got myself sober, and with God's help I'll stay that way~~~
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Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Went to the lawyer today
Well, I went to the divorce lawyer today. I am leaving for Pa on July 1st. I am nervous, scared, upset, sad, everything!! I am stressed because the area I am going to is not as AA friendly as my area in Boston. I am so scared about leaving my sponsor and all my support. I know I have to, I am just upset that ONCE AGAIN a man has come into my life and I have given up my power and I, not them have to figure it out for myself!!! I am learning so much form my sponsor. I love Big book work!! I am learning so much about my patterns!!! My patterns are clean and it is amazing what you learn when you open your eyes and see the truth, even if you aren't so happy to see some of it.
My husband is in such a dark place, I am so sad for him. On bad days I am the reason his life sucks, on good days he takes responsibility for his actions. The thing is marriage is between the both of us, we both have flaws. I knew we were flawed the month after we got married. I saw his depression, but I thought I could love him out of it, guess what, you can't!! He has some others deeper issues too, and I can understand some of his actions, not that they still didn't hurt me, but we were doomed from the start. He thought I could fix him, that really sucks!! I thought we were going to have the most wonderful life together, but it got harder and harder to get him to participate in anything, after a while. I am hoping that me leaving will help to make him work on his inner demons. I hope we can still be close, so he can have someone on his side, but I also have to maintain my boundaries ( which I still have to figure out)!!
I just can't believe I am getting a divorce. I have had so much loss in the last year, that this is not as big as losing my mother. I don't even know if that makes sences. It's just this, my mother loved me, it was unconditional, even when we drove each other crazy, she loved me. She died a horrible death and that was devastating to me. The thing is, my husband claims he never loved me, he loved the idea of me, fun, get it done, outgoing me, he thought I could "fix" him. So really I was never loved by the man I thought loved me so deeply. If I can put that into perspective, I loved someone that was NEVER capably of loving me, or anyone else for that matter, then it's not so bad. It's not a huge loss like my mother, it more a sadness and a loss for someone I thought I knew so well.
Life is never perfect, but I know my sobriety is keeping me in the day and I will be ok. I just have to stay connected to AA and my recovery, I need to commit to that the way I commit to others. If I committed fully to myself the way I do to others I would be much better off. I deserve to be good to myself, I am the only one looking out for me. He never did.
My husband is in such a dark place, I am so sad for him. On bad days I am the reason his life sucks, on good days he takes responsibility for his actions. The thing is marriage is between the both of us, we both have flaws. I knew we were flawed the month after we got married. I saw his depression, but I thought I could love him out of it, guess what, you can't!! He has some others deeper issues too, and I can understand some of his actions, not that they still didn't hurt me, but we were doomed from the start. He thought I could fix him, that really sucks!! I thought we were going to have the most wonderful life together, but it got harder and harder to get him to participate in anything, after a while. I am hoping that me leaving will help to make him work on his inner demons. I hope we can still be close, so he can have someone on his side, but I also have to maintain my boundaries ( which I still have to figure out)!!
I just can't believe I am getting a divorce. I have had so much loss in the last year, that this is not as big as losing my mother. I don't even know if that makes sences. It's just this, my mother loved me, it was unconditional, even when we drove each other crazy, she loved me. She died a horrible death and that was devastating to me. The thing is, my husband claims he never loved me, he loved the idea of me, fun, get it done, outgoing me, he thought I could "fix" him. So really I was never loved by the man I thought loved me so deeply. If I can put that into perspective, I loved someone that was NEVER capably of loving me, or anyone else for that matter, then it's not so bad. It's not a huge loss like my mother, it more a sadness and a loss for someone I thought I knew so well.
Life is never perfect, but I know my sobriety is keeping me in the day and I will be ok. I just have to stay connected to AA and my recovery, I need to commit to that the way I commit to others. If I committed fully to myself the way I do to others I would be much better off. I deserve to be good to myself, I am the only one looking out for me. He never did.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Others can help you remember why you want to stay sober!!
Life has been really crappy lately and I am feeling a lot of emotions and I am thinking of a drink more than I would like to admit. I know I can't drink!!! I know I can't just have one for a little relief. It doesn't work that way when you are an alcoholic, like me. If I was to consume that first drink my life would be even more of a mess. I would not be able to finish school, create new friendships, maintain my old ones, or start over and make a better life for myself. I would not be able to give support to my husband while he goes through his personal things, we are getting a divorce, but I still want to see him get the help and support he needs even when I'm gone.
Yesterday was a hard day, I started to get things ready to pack for my move. I was doing some more of my 4th step work with my sponsor and when I was done I went to grab something to eat really quick. I ended up at a restaurant with a bar, the bar was the only place to sit. So I sat next to a lady on the end. I ordered a cranberry and sprite. 1st thing out of her mouth was, to bad you don't have vodka in that. I just smiled, even though I wanted to gouge her eyeballs out with my spoon!!!! I noticed that she had a drink waiting and was finishing up another. She was watching the ballgame and was the only one screaming at the T.V. I actually felt bad for her. I was her at one point in my drinking I'm sure!! I ordered my food and was waiting. She was having small talk with all the waiters and bartenders, she knew everyone, just like I used to when I went to places drinking. At one point a guy came over, I think it was a manger. He said hi to her and was chatting about the game. Then he said something that made my heart break. He said to the women, "I hope you don't have one to many today. The last game you were here you were really feeling it, huh? I was worried, how did you feel that next morning?" I could feel her embarrassment, I felt it for her!! I could feel how it hurt her down deep. She make a silly comment to try to blow him off, but I have been there before myself, it is AWFUL!!! At that point I thought to myself, wow, this is what I could be, this is my YET, alone at a bar, screaming at the tv, drinking alone and getting sloppy. I have done that before, I have been driven home by bartenders from my local places, I know her pain, embarrassment, fears! I was her. I had been thinking for a little bit, thinking that when I move I'll be cured, I KNOW it's stupid, but I'm an alcoholic and my twisted mind wants me to drink. I know if I pick up a drink, I will be this women, but only worse, maybe with a DUI, maybe hurting someone, maybe....... I don't know!! I do know that my HP put that women next to me, he showed me what might be, or could be a yet for me. I don't want it, I want sobriety!!!! Life is a challenge, I need to except that and move forward in a sober direction.
I am thankful for that women, I am sad she is in pain, but without her knowing, she helped keep me sober. I am thankful for that!!
Yesterday was a hard day, I started to get things ready to pack for my move. I was doing some more of my 4th step work with my sponsor and when I was done I went to grab something to eat really quick. I ended up at a restaurant with a bar, the bar was the only place to sit. So I sat next to a lady on the end. I ordered a cranberry and sprite. 1st thing out of her mouth was, to bad you don't have vodka in that. I just smiled, even though I wanted to gouge her eyeballs out with my spoon!!!! I noticed that she had a drink waiting and was finishing up another. She was watching the ballgame and was the only one screaming at the T.V. I actually felt bad for her. I was her at one point in my drinking I'm sure!! I ordered my food and was waiting. She was having small talk with all the waiters and bartenders, she knew everyone, just like I used to when I went to places drinking. At one point a guy came over, I think it was a manger. He said hi to her and was chatting about the game. Then he said something that made my heart break. He said to the women, "I hope you don't have one to many today. The last game you were here you were really feeling it, huh? I was worried, how did you feel that next morning?" I could feel her embarrassment, I felt it for her!! I could feel how it hurt her down deep. She make a silly comment to try to blow him off, but I have been there before myself, it is AWFUL!!! At that point I thought to myself, wow, this is what I could be, this is my YET, alone at a bar, screaming at the tv, drinking alone and getting sloppy. I have done that before, I have been driven home by bartenders from my local places, I know her pain, embarrassment, fears! I was her. I had been thinking for a little bit, thinking that when I move I'll be cured, I KNOW it's stupid, but I'm an alcoholic and my twisted mind wants me to drink. I know if I pick up a drink, I will be this women, but only worse, maybe with a DUI, maybe hurting someone, maybe....... I don't know!! I do know that my HP put that women next to me, he showed me what might be, or could be a yet for me. I don't want it, I want sobriety!!!! Life is a challenge, I need to except that and move forward in a sober direction.
I am thankful for that women, I am sad she is in pain, but without her knowing, she helped keep me sober. I am thankful for that!!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
My life is completely upside down!
I haven't been blogging for a long time, life has been to upsetting to even think about putting words to my feelings. My husband has decided that because he is depressed it is MY fault, he wants a divorce and wants me out of his life so he can be alone. It has been an up and down roller coaster. He moved into the downstairs, sleeps and eats(sometimes) down there. Only comes up to grab his food or to tell me something, when I go to reply he is not interested, he is finished. He also says that I'm the alcoholic and it is my fault, funny, last March when I caught him trying to get with somebody from his high school days, he wanted to work it out. I should have left then. I think he didn't want anyone to know that he wasn't as moral as he claimed to be. He is the person who always judges others, so funny how they never judge themselves quite the same way, they always have an excuse. Now he is telling everyone that I am an alcoholic and he can't take me. Funny thing is he left out everything about his poor behavior & his severe depression that I have been dealing with from day 1 of the marriage. Each day is a different mood. Wed. night he was so horrible to me that I didn't know what to do, I wanted to get sick.
Thursday I had to go back to Pa to do somethings. I found a small house I could rent for a while that would allow me to have the dogs. I had wanted to last at least until December to try to finish up some more classes, but I can't do it anymore. I am moving July1. I am so scared and overwhelmed, but I am tired of the craziness. I can't take the nice husband/ then the nasty one. I told him I'm leaving and now he doesn't think I need to, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! I can't take it. I don't know what is going to happen, he still has not seen his new therapist, I know I need to go. I told him we can see the lawyer next week and bang out the divorce. He wants freedom, he's getting it, and I am heart broken, but it is so messed up.
I do have to say some beautiful things about my HP though, Thursday night I was at the end of my rope. I arrived from my5 hour ride tired and worn out. I cried the whole 5 hours. I stayed at a place my friend owns. The door was left open for me and I had thoughts of drinking, you name it, I thought it. I just want peace~~ I walked into my room and thought about the 4th step I am working on. My biggest fear is loneliness, I thought, how much more lonely could I be. i just layed down in the bed and cried. I begged God to help me, I am feeling so weak, I can't do this anymore, I need peace. I fell asleep and sleep for the 1st since May. I woke up and I felt some strength. I got ready and the whole day was a blessing, so many things. I was able to get this home to rent which would be 5 minutes from where I want to live. I might have found a permanent place to live, but I can stay in the rental for as long as I need, so if this place doesn't work out I can wait until July to figure that all out. I found another school that just opened about 5 minutes from both places, which is amazing that I can finish my associates so close, I thought I would have to drive 45 minutes both ways, and it will save so much on gas. I walked into the house to meet the women I will be renting from and the 1st thing I see is a Celtic cross with an Irish saying on it, MY MOM HAD THE SAME ONE!! My HP is amazing. I am still nervous & scared about leaving my AA family and my wonderful sponsor.
I know I can't drink. When it flashed through my head, I saw all the destruction I would leave in my path. I would NEVER have peace, comfort or friendships. Losing my mother on Jan 31st made me realize I got sober for a reason, I needed to be there for HER!! I needed to be the one to help. I love my husband but he is not worth drinking over, why ruin myself because he doesn't love me. I can be happy alone, conquer my fear and learn how to be an even better person if I stay strong and stay sober.
I just have to keep trusting in my HP, I am thankful to have such a loving guide!!
Thursday I had to go back to Pa to do somethings. I found a small house I could rent for a while that would allow me to have the dogs. I had wanted to last at least until December to try to finish up some more classes, but I can't do it anymore. I am moving July1. I am so scared and overwhelmed, but I am tired of the craziness. I can't take the nice husband/ then the nasty one. I told him I'm leaving and now he doesn't think I need to, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! I can't take it. I don't know what is going to happen, he still has not seen his new therapist, I know I need to go. I told him we can see the lawyer next week and bang out the divorce. He wants freedom, he's getting it, and I am heart broken, but it is so messed up.
I do have to say some beautiful things about my HP though, Thursday night I was at the end of my rope. I arrived from my5 hour ride tired and worn out. I cried the whole 5 hours. I stayed at a place my friend owns. The door was left open for me and I had thoughts of drinking, you name it, I thought it. I just want peace~~ I walked into my room and thought about the 4th step I am working on. My biggest fear is loneliness, I thought, how much more lonely could I be. i just layed down in the bed and cried. I begged God to help me, I am feeling so weak, I can't do this anymore, I need peace. I fell asleep and sleep for the 1st since May. I woke up and I felt some strength. I got ready and the whole day was a blessing, so many things. I was able to get this home to rent which would be 5 minutes from where I want to live. I might have found a permanent place to live, but I can stay in the rental for as long as I need, so if this place doesn't work out I can wait until July to figure that all out. I found another school that just opened about 5 minutes from both places, which is amazing that I can finish my associates so close, I thought I would have to drive 45 minutes both ways, and it will save so much on gas. I walked into the house to meet the women I will be renting from and the 1st thing I see is a Celtic cross with an Irish saying on it, MY MOM HAD THE SAME ONE!! My HP is amazing. I am still nervous & scared about leaving my AA family and my wonderful sponsor.
I know I can't drink. When it flashed through my head, I saw all the destruction I would leave in my path. I would NEVER have peace, comfort or friendships. Losing my mother on Jan 31st made me realize I got sober for a reason, I needed to be there for HER!! I needed to be the one to help. I love my husband but he is not worth drinking over, why ruin myself because he doesn't love me. I can be happy alone, conquer my fear and learn how to be an even better person if I stay strong and stay sober.
I just have to keep trusting in my HP, I am thankful to have such a loving guide!!
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